The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

*This post was written way back in July. I lost the emotion to finish it but it still holds true, whatever I've written. -redge

"Anong year nyo na po?"
"Fifth year."
"Wow. Nakasurvive po kayo!"

Survive? What did I survive? Electric Circuit Theory? Design Problems? My very first 5.0? EEE Life in general? Freshmen are laughable when they think they know everything. There are people in EEEI who seem to enjoy driving freshmen to death by fear of failing out of EEE.

When I was a freshman, one of our blockhandlers told us that you know you're getting old when the course number of the subjects you're taking have 3 digits already. An orgmate recently declared that once you pass EEE 41, you're already an elder statesman in EEE. By all means, I know I'm old. I don't deny it. But it gives me comfort that I am not the oldest one. *snigger*

We, you and I, we're old. You don't seem to mind. Maybe it's because once you pass your fifth year, you stop counting the years. Haha, sorry to give away your age. But hey, look at us, hanging out back, sticking to the walls, watching those "kids" do their stuff. They'll always be kids to us, won't they? Just like how we'll always be "orgmates" right? Haha. Of course. HA HA. But this ain't so bad. We did well when we were like them. Especially you. You were an outright protege. I preferred to be low-key until recently. Our time has passed. I'm still coming to terms with that but hey, we still have our final hooray. Or do we? Is it OUR final curtain call? Ours as in, yours and mine, together? Is it? I don't feel it, well, I don't feel you anyway.

You've always been an imposing figure to the younger ones, including me. But I've been coming into my own, growing into place. I've always wanted to earn my place among the elder statesmen, my spot with the veterans, with the useful people who made their mark. This may be it, my final place. I had only achieved so much. I don't know if I'd done enough to earn your respect, you never seemed to acknowledge me anyway, but I find solace in the fact that I'd spent the better of my years being productive. There is nothing I regret, except the fact that I never gained your trust. If anything else, I've earned the right to be "old" with you together. I'll find a way to be happy with that. :)

Don't get me wrong. I trust you fully. My trust in you is only exceeded by the trust I have in myself. But I must warn you that I leave my phone around all the time. Your job is to fight the urge to push that unlock button and flip through my phone and stop others from doing so.

I hope you understand. I have pictures of you on my phone. I still have that group picture on the grass two years ago. I took pictures of you last week. I mean, I took pictures of everyone last week but you're the only one with the solo shots. In fairness, you can't fit in the frame with them so you had to go solo. I also downloaded to my phone some of our nicer pics together. Just so I can look at them when I feel sad...

and most importantly...

My lock screen features a picture of us together.

So please, for the love of your girlfriend don't push that unlock button under any circumstance.

Don't go rifling into my inbox too. You'll see the sweet text messages between me and my girl friends. You might think of me as a lesbian. Or confirm that to you. I'm as straight as a ruler by the way, just so you know. You might also come across our conversations where I detail our moments together and how I refer to these times as "dates." Embarrassing stuff, really. So whatever you do, keep away from my phone. Unless you want to spend one awkward semester with me. But I'm probably the one who couldn't stand that so I might just end up killing myself. So there, your options.

While we're at it, I trust you not to touch my logged in Facebook account. I know I get careless sometimes and leave my account logged in on your laptop. Kindly just click the log out button for me. I will love you more if you do. Don't go sniffing about my message inbox because I post our cute pictures in messages to my friends. I confess to my lack of guilt about wanting you. And there's also that other guy I talk about with them. You might get the shock of your life if you knew who that was. So for your sanity, please do what I say.

Finally, don't go rummaging in my downloads folder. PLEASE. PLEASE. There's an entire folder of stolen pics that I haven't had the time to hide. Most of them, pictures of guys, including you. But in fairness to me, I just download pictures that I'm in as well. I'm not yet that creepy stalker type. I have more self-respect and pride than you think. But still, our "couple shots" are there. It's too glaring to not notice.

Know that I'm saying this for you too. We need to work together without a hitch in the coming months. We don't need unnecessary stuff (ie my feelings for you) to come between us. It just cheers me up to have reminders of having somebody like you. Somebody who just makes me feel good about myself, someone who I trust, someone who is so easy and light to talk to. That's just you. That's the best thing about you.

It hit me in the midst of indecisiveness, unkempt thesis notes and uncapped pens.

I am done with cold, hard, passive men.

I am done with men of few words. I am over men who are as cool (or as cold, depending on the context) as ice inside and outside. I have suffered enough of men who refuse to take control, of men I can bull over. I am tired of men who are not man enough to make decisions for themselves. Meaning, I am done with nearly all the men I have ever loved in my life. :x

I have always been a sucker for silent, brooding, mysterious men. I fancy them going all out of their shell for me. I longed to stir the passion in some quiet guy. Hey, it happened in the movies and to people I know! But again, they're the exception and I'm the rule. It doesn't mean that I'm going for noisy loud guys now. Some are noisy but hollow and some that are quiet are not what they seem. The point is, some guys just don't have fire in them. They're all water, going with the flow, conforming to the norm - silent waters running deep.

I've always been the fiery, feisty type typical to people who like the color red. If I was not a brunette, I guess I would be a redhead; strawberry blonde, kissed by fire. I admit I don't have much of the fierce redhead temper but I burn when I feel passionate about something, when I'm in control of things and they turn out the way I want them to. That's right, Katy Perry, I'm a firework.

You know that bit about how opposites truly attract? There are some documented cases of  it happening to people but it's only forever true for magnets, electrons, holes and EEE 23. I thought attraction, relationships and finding "The One" were like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces interlocking flawlessly. But I guess it should be more like a painting, blending the paint and applying it to the canvas to make a masterpiece. It's more about melding together than completing each other.

I've always thought that I'd hit it off with cold men, that my warmth would be enough for the both of us. But I'm not as convinced now. Maybe it should be that my warmth should ignite his passions. After all, two fires are warmer than one. Come on, for Christ's sake. Argue with me (reasonably), take over, show me who's boss, tell me what to do, push for your idea. subdue me, dominate me. Really. You have to be man enough to do that to me. I have to respect you enough. To have a power over me, I have to allow you. And I realize, it takes balls bro, and personality and reason and smarts and fire. :D

"Hello! Kamusta ka na, bitchesa?"
"Hello! Anong class mo?"
"Hello! Aurellano Residence, sino po sila?"

Do you ever ask yourself why you say hello to people? I never did. It's a normal knee-jerk reaction to seeing people I know and getting their attention. Is it not the same for all people? Do you guys think of why you're saying hello to the person who's calling you on the phone? You'd undoubtedly shout and wave your arms about when you see a long time friend but you would have qualms about making eye contact and saying hi to a classmate in a forgettable GE course. Usually, when we approach people or when people approach us, we'd rather ask ourselves if we have the right to greet them. Whether or not we're on "saying hello" terms already. I guess this "right" is like a synthesis of all the reasons we have to say hello. We're just thinking on that higher level. But go down with me, why say hello to people? What makes you decide that it's okay to say hi?

I usually don't have much issues with people who feel close to me even if I barely remember their names. I like the attention and the connection, even if it never really lasts. I go with the flow and assume it's okay to feel close to them too. Having said that, I guess you don't have to mean much to me to be on "hello" terms. However, there are times when I just couldn't get myself to say hello to some people. Usually men. Cases in point: A Math 17 and ES 11 classmate that we keep running into but always pretend to not recognize (But it's probably because he looks like a horse. Don't judge us like we judged him), Little Gab from Miss Engg, who I frequently ride on the same jeeps with, my former professors. They're definitely not in my HelloZone. Needless to say, after all the judging, we never really got around to talking to that classmate. A momentary burst of hormonal high saw me take a picture with Gab. Saying hi to professors has been so high school. It's a logical AND moment here. If there's a reason NOT to say hello, the whole equation turns to zero.

Does that mean that the people you don't say hello to basically don't exist in your life? If they don't matter enough to say hello to you, or for you to greet them with a smile or a wave, do you even have to care further? Of course that's a shallow, baseless and inconsiderate thought. It's like throwing away white gold because it's not yellow. But when people you cherish, people you love, people who would always matter in your heart stop recognizing you, go on with their lives without you, the fact that they don't say hello anymore hits you with the impact of an atomic bomb. For sure, we tend to blow things out of proportion when it's about people we love. A thousand probable, reasonable excuses are readily available but we're having none of them. Something's changed, we insist to ourselves. Our friends tell us that we're just losing our marbles and going way overboard with the little things. I've never quite understood why couples fight over things such as a non-existent smiley at the end of a text or a date rescheduled. But I guess, the little things are on to something sometimes.

"Say goodbye when there's no longer a reason to say hello." Don't go ahead and judge the quote superficial. If there's no more reason to say hello, a connection is lost. Maybe he's not who you thought he was or maybe she's not as interested in what you're doing. Maybe he's not seeing that future with you anymore. Maybe she feels you've overstayed your welcome. When there's nothing to say, even hello, know that whatever you have, it's falling apart. If it's pride that's keeping you from bridging the gap, if it's shame or hate or anger, it feels like you've lost your direct line to each other. It doesn't even have to be words. A gentle touch, a moment when your eyes just meet and stare at each other. Little things that keep you holding on, like magic tape on wall cracks. If it's not there, maybe there's nothing anymore.

When it's like he's not even there, when it's like you're the strangest stranger, when he looks at you as if you're peeling wallpaper, when you see him coming and you meet his eyes and they're as cold as ice and all you can do is turn away, when you can sit beside each other for hours and feel like a thousand worlds apart, when you lean your head towards his shoulder and hold it in the air for a moment, pretending to feel something, when you're tired and drained as you wrestle with depression all day, when you feel like there are so many words to say but you do not want to talk or when you feel that you do not even really know him after all this time, there's suddenly no reason to say hello. Then maybe it's time to hit the button, go ahead, close the door and say goodbye.

...we haven't spoken to each other since... March. LOL. That's so you and me ('cause there's no us, motherfucker)

...it feels terrible to be inches from you, faking indifference and hiding the frustration.

...I think this is our last chance of working together. But you're not working. So again, just me and them, not you.

...I still wonder who you were thinking of when I caught you staring at a distance the other day.

...I have forgiven you for leaving our committee. Thank you for taking that step out of my life.

...fuck you, di ka pumasok last Monday.

...fuck you twice, BUDDY KO YAN. If it's him that you need, fine. But I still hate it when he goes "OMG ang bait ni Kuya!" You're so nice to him but no, never to me. Haha. 'Cause that's you and you hate me! Right?

...I have no expectations of the last sem and a half left to us. I used to have illusions of beating the clock but then, the bastard that you are.

...I will not, in any case, go to your place again. So much hopes, so much disappointment.

...ambabaw mo, frame lang yun eh. Agit ka masyado. Super OA max.

...speaking of which, you can shove that AVP up yo hairy ass. I don't need to see myself there.

...still in the topic of AVP's, remember that AVP where we all wore red and you and I stood side by side? Yeah that one where you were in the opening frame? FUCK THAT AVP TO HELL. I don't want to see it ever. Reminds me of the things I do for you.

...oh but I still do it for you. Everything I do. For you.

...I'd rather see you bald (or dead) than see you in your newly dyed hair. It reminds me of my freshie days and your smile and your gay Korean boyband hair and how things between us really just couldn't change after all this time. :)

That night was balmy at best. I remember riding an ikot jeep, sticking my head a little bit outside the window, allowing the wind whip through my hair. I thought I could shake my silly thoughts off that way. How dare I think of one day being in your place. How could I imagine you standing there, smiling at me and handing over whatever symbol of your office you think of. How can I even dare fantasize about the speech I will give as I hand over to you my token of appreciation. Silly Girl. You will never be worthy of his place. You are not his heir. What is your problem? You never aspired that before. Is it because he holds it now and you want to impress him still? I smiled at my folly and shook my head all the way home. I know that I am not the person for those kind of things. Politics. I'd rather be a quiet citizen of the world. It's just that I'm too crazy for you that I'm imagining myself to take up your place one day. Just a crazy bitch, crazy in love.

That day was hot and hectic. I remember the dust mites dancing in the afternoon light. I remember your eyes looking into mine and asking me if I would. Oh hell no. I couldn't believe you just said that but there was no way I could say yes. I'm not ready for this. I told myself that you really didn't want me to. That you were just kind and so that people will say that you gave me a fair chance. I believed that will all my heart and resented you for it. It was your fault I'm not ready. You never trusted me even as I supported you all the way. You did not understand that the reason why I am here was because I wanted you to know that I can do it. You said that I can do it, that you believed in my ability. I called you bluff. Can you blame me? I waited a year for you to say it. How could you say that just now? Where were you in my shining moments? You never saw my work. You didn't care. How can you say you believe in me? What is this crazy bullshit?

Even though I decided not to take you up on your offer that afternoon, I have resolved from that day on, that I will be ready the next time you asked me. I have been waiting. I have been waiting for you to give me that chance again. It depressed me that you weren't showing any signs. Actually, I feel that you have been avoiding me. Maybe you didn't want me anymore, maybe you wanted me to make that decision myself, maybe you were just biding your time, maybe you just couldn't show any partiality towards me, maybe you have rejection issues too. A heap of maybes. Useless maybes. I now realize that it didn't matter. Two years ago, that afternoon, they don't matter anymore. It's all up to me. Right now, am I ready for this? A year ago, I had to have you say it but right now, who needs your word when all the proof that I need, I have given myself. Of all the things that I have done... I wanted to believe I was doing it for the org but I still catch myself doing it for you but that doesn't matter too. I have done something. I have it in me, that I know. Doesn't matter for whom or for what. I have what it takes. No one can ever say otherwise. That being said, you know I really truly and honestly meant it with all my heart.

It took me all my courage (and a good chunk of my hair) to rise up to this challenge. I had wanted you to give me that extra boost, that extra spring in my step but it was already past time to realize that you will not lend yourself as an inspiration. If I do this, I'll do this at least for myself and certainly not for or because of you. I had to bite that bullet. But who needs your crappy endorsement? So yes, I'm running for Executive Vice President. So yes, I'm coming after you even if it means facing off with a friend. A very dear friend. Not to say that our friendship will be affected, but I know the sacrifices and capabilities of my friend and to go up there and ask people to see me as a better choice, I find that heavy in my heart. I feel I'm at a disadvantage but I don't know what will happen. Goddamit, I don't even care about what will happen.

So I guess this is not about you anymore, isn't it? It's about me and my organization. My family for the past three years. This is not a battle for your affection but rather, a debt that I must pay. For the love, the friendships and the experiences. None of which you ever gave me, by the way. ;)

Phase I: Enchanted
- "I'll spend forever wondering if you knew // I was enchanted to meet you."
- "Please don't be in love with someone else."
-Honeymoon phase. Eto yung phase na shet, cute ka (parin) pala. Yung araw na nakilala ko sya, yung birthday ko sa sunken garden, yung gabi na YUN, yung miyerkules na magkasama kaming dalawa. Eto yung phase kung saan nagsisimula yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya (uli). Fanning the flames, ika nga. Eto yung tuwang-tuwa ako kanya at kung ano ano ang nasasabi ko, kagaya ng, "Magtitino na ko para sa kanya." at "Sya na to, kahit ano gagawin ko para sa kanya."

Phase II: Fearless
- "I don't know why but with you I'll dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless."
- Simula ng katangahan. Kahit anong ipagawa mo sakin, basta sabihin mo (actually kahit hindi, kung maisip ko) na matutuwa sya, pucha, kakaririn ko. Gusto mo kong magbiyahe ng apat na oras sa gitna ng bakasyon para utusan lang? Tangina ka. Pero kung sa tingin ko eh baka ikatuwa nya yun. puta, kahit araw araw! Ganun. Well, ganun nagsimula. Basta ang mindset ko lang nun, magpapacute, magpapakabait, magpapakabibo at magpapaka-achiever ako, kahit ano basta mapansin nya ko.

Phase III: Tell Me Why
- "I need you like a heartbeat but I know you got a mean streak."
- After kong mahaggard, mastress at mawindang sa pagiging achiever ko, syempre titignan ko kung ano ang effect sa kanya. Natuwa ba sya? Ang problema, 99 times out of 100, deadma lang sya. Tas yung one time, saktong 3 words lang yung sasabihin nya sa kin. Syempre BV ako. Sarap nyang sapakin, kung hindi ko lang sya talaga mahal na mahal. Sobrang, "Pakyu ka manong! Pakamatay buwis buhay na ko dito! Pwedeng mapansin ako. Pwede talaga!" Yun yung feeling nyan. Feeling ko din na baka kulang pa ang pagaalay ng kaluluwa, pagkatao at virginity mo sa kanya para mapansin ka nya. Inisip ko na gayumahin na lang sya. Or baka ipakulam na ng tuluyan. Pero alam kong mahal ko parin sya.

Phase IV: Come In With The Rain
- "I'll leave my window open, cause I'm too tired to call your name // Just know I'm right here hoping that you'll come in with the rain."
- Eto yung phase na haggard, stressed at windangerz ka na talaga. Physically and emotionally. Eto yung outright ko na talaga syang minumura, "Tangina nyang gago sya. Manhid ang puta! Mamamatay syang KJ at forever alone!" Tangina nya talaga. Pero alam ko na kaya ko pang higitan ang sarili ko. Alam kong kaya ko pang mas mahaggard, mastress at mawindang. Pero yoko na rin. Quits na. Wala namang naidudulot eh. Dito ko narealize na kung para sya sakin, kahit ano ako, tatanggapin nya ko. Naisip ko na siguro, okay naman na yung nagawa ko. Hayaan ko nalang sya naman ang lumapit. Abangerz mode izz on.

Phase V: You're Not Sorry
- "This is the last straw. Don't want to hurt anymore // You can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby."
- So okay, nagkaugat na ko kakaabang na lumapit sya at magparamdam. Habang patuloy kong pinapatunayan ang sarili ko sa kanya, unti-unti ko nang nararamdaman ang futility of it all. Eto yung seryosong naka-capslock na "PUTANG INA. AYOKO NA! PAGOD NA KO! TANGINA KA RIN! PAKYU!!"
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻  Nagsisimula na kong mafrustrate at magalit at maasar. Ayoko na syang makita, mainly because naiisip ko kung ano pa ang kulang sakin para mahalin nya din ako. Seryosong BV na ko dito. Pero wala parin akong nakukuhang reaksyon sa kanya. Ang hirap magmahal ng tarantadong kagaya nya.


Phase VI: Haunted
- "Don't leave me like this. You're all I wanted."
- After kong magalit at maasar, maiisip ko na, fuck, lahat ng ginawa ko na yun, para yun sa kanya eh. Tas ngayong galit ako sa kanya, pano na. Ano na ang silbi ko sa universe? Anong meaning nung mga maaaccomplish ko kung wala naman akong aalayan nun diba? Anong meaning ng mga naaccomplish ko? Wala, empty, meaningless things nalang sila ngayon. Suddenly, gusto ko pang kumapit. Gusto ko pang magmakaawa sa kanya. Ano ba ang kailangan kong gawin para mahalin nya din ako? Parang hindi ko ata kakayanin na mawala sya. Sya yung naging rason para sa lahat ng ginagawa ko. Pano na kung wala sya. Oh nuuuu~

Phase VII: Last Kiss
- "All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you'll miss."
- Narealize ko na kung gaano kadependent sa attention nya ang buhay ko. Kung akala mo nakaka-emo na yun, well mas malala yung isang araw na nagising ako at napaisip, "Kung mawala kaya ako sa buhay nya, ano kaya magiging reaksyon nya? Mamimiss kaya nya ko? Malalaman ba nya na nawala ako?" Ang masaklap dyan, alam kong ang sagot dun ay "Wala. Hindi. Baka hindi." Sobrang nakakadepress yung thought na yun. Yung ikaw, nabuhay ka para sa kanya pero ikaw, gabutil ng buhangin lang ang halaga mo sa buhay nya. Ang sarap magpakamatay. Buti hindi ako ganung klaseng tao. Pero seryoso, kinakain ng lungkot lahat ng saya ko sa katawan tuwing naiisip ko ito noon.

Phase VIII: White Horse
- "I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale."
- Haha. Ang simula ng recovery. ARM. Admission, Regrets and Moving on. Admission. Kinailangan kong tanggapin na, oh well papel. Hindi sya eh. Hindi naman to Angel Locsin movie. It's the real motherfuckin world! May mga heartbreaks ka talagang pagdadaanan. Minsan, ikaw ang babayo at magsasaing pero iba ang kakain. All's fair in love and war at kung ano ano pang cliche para majustify ang kabiguan ko. Pero at least tanggap ko na na nabigo ako. Hindi ko na niloloko yung sarili ko na may pag-asa pa. Hindi nga naman ito fairy tale. Ganun talaga. Haaayz.

Phase IX: Picture To Burn
- "As far as I'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn."
- Eto yung wildgirl promiscuity prone phase ko. A girl has to move on! At para makapagmove on, kailangan kong matutunan to take him with a grain of salt. Sows, the bitch ain't holding me down! Syempre manghihinayang ka sa oras na sinayang mo sa kanya, pero well, tangina nya! Hahaha! Eto yung reverse bittering phase. Naalala ko lang lahat ng mga bagay na ayaw ko sa kanya (eg, masyado syang maliit, yung boses nya galing sa ilalim ng lupa, yung mukha nyang mukhang mangga etc) at maiisip ko rin yung mga bagay na naging okay dahil hindi kami nagkatuluyan (eg hindi kami magkakaanak ng chinese nigger, mahirap maging legal sa parents namin etc) Galit parin ako sa kanya pero ineenjoy ko nalang, hindi ko kinikimkim at hinahayaang makaapekto sa kung ano mang natira sa buhay ko.

Phase X: The Other Side Of The Door
- "When I left, I wanted you to chase after me."
- Ano yung sabi mo? "I hate that you're perfectly fine without me." Well . Medj. Kinda. Sorta. Sige oo na nga. Kahit na napapadalas kong niyuyurakan ang pagkatao para makalimutan ka, may konting parte parin sakin na umaasa na mali ako, na hindi ka ganung klaseng tao, na baka naman may pag-asa pa ko sa puso mo.  Kaya kita iniiwasan kasi gusto kong makita kung babalikan mo ko. Abang-abang uli. Baka magmilagro si St. Jude.

Phase XI: The Story Of Us
- "I'm dying to know, is it killing you, like it's killing me?"
- Hindi ako pasensyosong tao, lalo na sa mga walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay na kagaya nya. Hindi ako maghihintay ng matagal para magkaroon sya ng lakas ng loob para habulin ako. Hindi rin ako humble na tao. Nagkakaroon ako ng kaaway dahil sa pride ko. Sa phase na to, pride nalang talaga ang pinanghahawakan ko eh. Habang hindi nya ko pinapahalagahan, hindi ako aamin sa kahinaan. Hindi ko parin ipapakita na mahal ko sya. As far as he's concerned, deadma ako sa kanya. Hindi ko mapanindigan sa sarili ko na hindi ko na sya mahal, kaya kahit yung ibang tao, kasama na sya, ay maloko ko man lang. Hindi ako aamin na sya ang kahinaan ko. Pero ang totoo, nangangati parin ako upang gumawa ng paraan para mahalin mo ko uli. Tamang tyempo, tamang timpla ng mood mo, baka may pag-asa na uli tayo.

Phase XII: Sparks Fly
- "My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea."
- Isang araw, isang hapon, isang gabi, isang oras. Kahit gaano katagal, basta may mangyaring magpapaalala sa akin ng mga bagay na minahal ko sa kanya. Pag nahuli ako ng nakababa ang depensa, fuck, eto nanaman. Lalabas nanaman na kahinaan ko sya. Mahinang mahina talaga ako pagdating sa kanya. At dahil yun sa tuwa at ibang ligayang nararamdaman ko kapag kasama ko sya, kapag nakakabiruan, kapag nakakatrabaho. Babalik na tayo uli sa Phase I. Haaaay Kamote.

Dear 'Teh:

Let me be begin by saying that I don't really like you. You're young and green while though I'm not THAT old, I'm wiser and more experienced. Hence, I did not deserve your disrespectful quips. Fine, it was a long time ago. I may have a mild temper, but when you've woken the dragon, the dragon does not forgive easily. You might've thought yourself witty then but you're going to pay for it by enduring my biting sarcasm and petulant attitude towards you. This letter does not have any intention of making peace between us. Just so we're clear.

So, you like a guy? And you want to let go. No, I'm not stalking you. I'd unfollow you on Facebook, you cheap-ass newsfeed spammer. But I had this morbid curiosity about your status messages about that guy you're talking about. I'm not going to ask you about that in real life. You just wish. But seeing that you're still young and I'm wiser in things like this, I feel that you need my wisdom. No, you did not ask me for advice and no, I do not need anything in return. But if you insist, please disappear from the face of the earth. Haha. I am only half kidding. But listen to me darling, I wish you no harm (right now). You will hear this from your friends too one day but I'd say, the earlier, the better.

Once, I was like you. I'd never admit that to myself, much less to other people in real life. But I was once someone like you. I was young, at the threshold of my dreams, starting my life anew. College was heaven except for ES 1 and EEE 11, but it was more or less like heaven. I was 16 going on 17, same age as you, I presume, when I took a tumble, knocked my head on a boulder and began to like someone. I've never seen such sexy broad shoulders. I've never been so mesmerized with a smile. I've never beheld such perfectly ruffled korean boy band hair. Boy, this guy... this guy was it. He got me. You will never know the things I did to catch his attention. All to chase my dream of being worthy in his eyes. But truth is, up to this day, I will never admit to myself that I'd never have his attention. I just won't take any of that "move on, let go" shit. All these years, I kept a part of me hoping that one day, if I do well enough, I can see his eyes smiling at me with pride. That one day, if I achieve enough, I can have his heart. I just wanted to hear him say that I've done well. For so long, I've toiled for that ambition. And perhaps, I would remain a slave to that futile fantasy until I am redeemed from my folly.

I'm glad to say that there may be hope for you, but you have to listen. You said that you want to let go of him. I have no idea of how much willpower you have on your being, but it will take all of that and more to run away. You want to let go? Run away from every chance to meet him. Run fast and run hard. Do not look back. Block him on facebook, ditch your mutual friends. Try to avoid anything that concerns him. You do not want to remember anything you like about him as relapses can occur. A friend of mine once said, "Pag lumayo ka, either makakalimutan mo na sya or mamimiss ka nya at sya na ang maghahabol sayo." Those options are not bad at all. If you cannot avoid him, first, make sure that it he is truly unavoidable. You do not want to fall prey to your made-up excuses. If he is truly unavoidable, minimize your contact. Remember that it is easier to deal with the physical aspect first before the emotional aspect.

Now that you are physically separated from the object of your blind affection, it is time to work on you. Believe me, you will be miserable. One week into the physical separation thing and you will cry yourself to sleep out of sheer loneliness. But you will get used to it. Just stay strong. You would now really need to fill that void in your heart. You can use anything. Acads, family, old and new friends, org work. Just put your whole heart behind it. Get out, find a new hobby, make new friends. Make yourself happy. Indulge in whatever fancy you have (except him of course). You will relapse, you will miss him like shit and think that he's the only guy you longed for that much. But girl, you're going to say that for so much more men in your life. Some of which may actually give a damn about you.

Keep going and your heart will be callused from him. If you can find someone more reachable during that time, so much the better. But seeing that you're not even half as pretty as I dare say I am and with your rather distasteful brand of witty, I'd say your "reachable" is still a long shot. Haha. I'm mean. Oh, but you'll get over it. Anywho, I'd just wouldn't want someone else, no matter how ugly they are, to make the same mistakes as me. I owe the world that much for the lessons it taught me. You know, pass it on things. Maybe one day, I'd come across this letter to you and re-learn this lesson again. Maybe I'll even get to apply it. But for now, you can have these lessons. I'm still trying to figure out how much pain I'll go through as I keep on pinning my heart's hopes on unmoving and unfeeling boulders with really sexy tussled korean boy band hair.

With less love than you think,
Redge