The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

That night was balmy at best. I remember riding an ikot jeep, sticking my head a little bit outside the window, allowing the wind whip through my hair. I thought I could shake my silly thoughts off that way. How dare I think of one day being in your place. How could I imagine you standing there, smiling at me and handing over whatever symbol of your office you think of. How can I even dare fantasize about the speech I will give as I hand over to you my token of appreciation. Silly Girl. You will never be worthy of his place. You are not his heir. What is your problem? You never aspired that before. Is it because he holds it now and you want to impress him still? I smiled at my folly and shook my head all the way home. I know that I am not the person for those kind of things. Politics. I'd rather be a quiet citizen of the world. It's just that I'm too crazy for you that I'm imagining myself to take up your place one day. Just a crazy bitch, crazy in love.

That day was hot and hectic. I remember the dust mites dancing in the afternoon light. I remember your eyes looking into mine and asking me if I would. Oh hell no. I couldn't believe you just said that but there was no way I could say yes. I'm not ready for this. I told myself that you really didn't want me to. That you were just kind and so that people will say that you gave me a fair chance. I believed that will all my heart and resented you for it. It was your fault I'm not ready. You never trusted me even as I supported you all the way. You did not understand that the reason why I am here was because I wanted you to know that I can do it. You said that I can do it, that you believed in my ability. I called you bluff. Can you blame me? I waited a year for you to say it. How could you say that just now? Where were you in my shining moments? You never saw my work. You didn't care. How can you say you believe in me? What is this crazy bullshit?

Even though I decided not to take you up on your offer that afternoon, I have resolved from that day on, that I will be ready the next time you asked me. I have been waiting. I have been waiting for you to give me that chance again. It depressed me that you weren't showing any signs. Actually, I feel that you have been avoiding me. Maybe you didn't want me anymore, maybe you wanted me to make that decision myself, maybe you were just biding your time, maybe you just couldn't show any partiality towards me, maybe you have rejection issues too. A heap of maybes. Useless maybes. I now realize that it didn't matter. Two years ago, that afternoon, they don't matter anymore. It's all up to me. Right now, am I ready for this? A year ago, I had to have you say it but right now, who needs your word when all the proof that I need, I have given myself. Of all the things that I have done... I wanted to believe I was doing it for the org but I still catch myself doing it for you but that doesn't matter too. I have done something. I have it in me, that I know. Doesn't matter for whom or for what. I have what it takes. No one can ever say otherwise. That being said, you know I really truly and honestly meant it with all my heart.

It took me all my courage (and a good chunk of my hair) to rise up to this challenge. I had wanted you to give me that extra boost, that extra spring in my step but it was already past time to realize that you will not lend yourself as an inspiration. If I do this, I'll do this at least for myself and certainly not for or because of you. I had to bite that bullet. But who needs your crappy endorsement? So yes, I'm running for Executive Vice President. So yes, I'm coming after you even if it means facing off with a friend. A very dear friend. Not to say that our friendship will be affected, but I know the sacrifices and capabilities of my friend and to go up there and ask people to see me as a better choice, I find that heavy in my heart. I feel I'm at a disadvantage but I don't know what will happen. Goddamit, I don't even care about what will happen.

So I guess this is not about you anymore, isn't it? It's about me and my organization. My family for the past three years. This is not a battle for your affection but rather, a debt that I must pay. For the love, the friendships and the experiences. None of which you ever gave me, by the way. ;)

Phase I: Enchanted
- "I'll spend forever wondering if you knew // I was enchanted to meet you."
- "Please don't be in love with someone else."
-Honeymoon phase. Eto yung phase na shet, cute ka (parin) pala. Yung araw na nakilala ko sya, yung birthday ko sa sunken garden, yung gabi na YUN, yung miyerkules na magkasama kaming dalawa. Eto yung phase kung saan nagsisimula yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya (uli). Fanning the flames, ika nga. Eto yung tuwang-tuwa ako kanya at kung ano ano ang nasasabi ko, kagaya ng, "Magtitino na ko para sa kanya." at "Sya na to, kahit ano gagawin ko para sa kanya."

Phase II: Fearless
- "I don't know why but with you I'll dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless."
- Simula ng katangahan. Kahit anong ipagawa mo sakin, basta sabihin mo (actually kahit hindi, kung maisip ko) na matutuwa sya, pucha, kakaririn ko. Gusto mo kong magbiyahe ng apat na oras sa gitna ng bakasyon para utusan lang? Tangina ka. Pero kung sa tingin ko eh baka ikatuwa nya yun. puta, kahit araw araw! Ganun. Well, ganun nagsimula. Basta ang mindset ko lang nun, magpapacute, magpapakabait, magpapakabibo at magpapaka-achiever ako, kahit ano basta mapansin nya ko.

Phase III: Tell Me Why
- "I need you like a heartbeat but I know you got a mean streak."
- After kong mahaggard, mastress at mawindang sa pagiging achiever ko, syempre titignan ko kung ano ang effect sa kanya. Natuwa ba sya? Ang problema, 99 times out of 100, deadma lang sya. Tas yung one time, saktong 3 words lang yung sasabihin nya sa kin. Syempre BV ako. Sarap nyang sapakin, kung hindi ko lang sya talaga mahal na mahal. Sobrang, "Pakyu ka manong! Pakamatay buwis buhay na ko dito! Pwedeng mapansin ako. Pwede talaga!" Yun yung feeling nyan. Feeling ko din na baka kulang pa ang pagaalay ng kaluluwa, pagkatao at virginity mo sa kanya para mapansin ka nya. Inisip ko na gayumahin na lang sya. Or baka ipakulam na ng tuluyan. Pero alam kong mahal ko parin sya.

Phase IV: Come In With The Rain
- "I'll leave my window open, cause I'm too tired to call your name // Just know I'm right here hoping that you'll come in with the rain."
- Eto yung phase na haggard, stressed at windangerz ka na talaga. Physically and emotionally. Eto yung outright ko na talaga syang minumura, "Tangina nyang gago sya. Manhid ang puta! Mamamatay syang KJ at forever alone!" Tangina nya talaga. Pero alam ko na kaya ko pang higitan ang sarili ko. Alam kong kaya ko pang mas mahaggard, mastress at mawindang. Pero yoko na rin. Quits na. Wala namang naidudulot eh. Dito ko narealize na kung para sya sakin, kahit ano ako, tatanggapin nya ko. Naisip ko na siguro, okay naman na yung nagawa ko. Hayaan ko nalang sya naman ang lumapit. Abangerz mode izz on.

Phase V: You're Not Sorry
- "This is the last straw. Don't want to hurt anymore // You can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby."
- So okay, nagkaugat na ko kakaabang na lumapit sya at magparamdam. Habang patuloy kong pinapatunayan ang sarili ko sa kanya, unti-unti ko nang nararamdaman ang futility of it all. Eto yung seryosong naka-capslock na "PUTANG INA. AYOKO NA! PAGOD NA KO! TANGINA KA RIN! PAKYU!!"
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻  Nagsisimula na kong mafrustrate at magalit at maasar. Ayoko na syang makita, mainly because naiisip ko kung ano pa ang kulang sakin para mahalin nya din ako. Seryosong BV na ko dito. Pero wala parin akong nakukuhang reaksyon sa kanya. Ang hirap magmahal ng tarantadong kagaya nya.


Phase VI: Haunted
- "Don't leave me like this. You're all I wanted."
- After kong magalit at maasar, maiisip ko na, fuck, lahat ng ginawa ko na yun, para yun sa kanya eh. Tas ngayong galit ako sa kanya, pano na. Ano na ang silbi ko sa universe? Anong meaning nung mga maaaccomplish ko kung wala naman akong aalayan nun diba? Anong meaning ng mga naaccomplish ko? Wala, empty, meaningless things nalang sila ngayon. Suddenly, gusto ko pang kumapit. Gusto ko pang magmakaawa sa kanya. Ano ba ang kailangan kong gawin para mahalin nya din ako? Parang hindi ko ata kakayanin na mawala sya. Sya yung naging rason para sa lahat ng ginagawa ko. Pano na kung wala sya. Oh nuuuu~

Phase VII: Last Kiss
- "All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you'll miss."
- Narealize ko na kung gaano kadependent sa attention nya ang buhay ko. Kung akala mo nakaka-emo na yun, well mas malala yung isang araw na nagising ako at napaisip, "Kung mawala kaya ako sa buhay nya, ano kaya magiging reaksyon nya? Mamimiss kaya nya ko? Malalaman ba nya na nawala ako?" Ang masaklap dyan, alam kong ang sagot dun ay "Wala. Hindi. Baka hindi." Sobrang nakakadepress yung thought na yun. Yung ikaw, nabuhay ka para sa kanya pero ikaw, gabutil ng buhangin lang ang halaga mo sa buhay nya. Ang sarap magpakamatay. Buti hindi ako ganung klaseng tao. Pero seryoso, kinakain ng lungkot lahat ng saya ko sa katawan tuwing naiisip ko ito noon.

Phase VIII: White Horse
- "I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale."
- Haha. Ang simula ng recovery. ARM. Admission, Regrets and Moving on. Admission. Kinailangan kong tanggapin na, oh well papel. Hindi sya eh. Hindi naman to Angel Locsin movie. It's the real motherfuckin world! May mga heartbreaks ka talagang pagdadaanan. Minsan, ikaw ang babayo at magsasaing pero iba ang kakain. All's fair in love and war at kung ano ano pang cliche para majustify ang kabiguan ko. Pero at least tanggap ko na na nabigo ako. Hindi ko na niloloko yung sarili ko na may pag-asa pa. Hindi nga naman ito fairy tale. Ganun talaga. Haaayz.

Phase IX: Picture To Burn
- "As far as I'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn."
- Eto yung wildgirl promiscuity prone phase ko. A girl has to move on! At para makapagmove on, kailangan kong matutunan to take him with a grain of salt. Sows, the bitch ain't holding me down! Syempre manghihinayang ka sa oras na sinayang mo sa kanya, pero well, tangina nya! Hahaha! Eto yung reverse bittering phase. Naalala ko lang lahat ng mga bagay na ayaw ko sa kanya (eg, masyado syang maliit, yung boses nya galing sa ilalim ng lupa, yung mukha nyang mukhang mangga etc) at maiisip ko rin yung mga bagay na naging okay dahil hindi kami nagkatuluyan (eg hindi kami magkakaanak ng chinese nigger, mahirap maging legal sa parents namin etc) Galit parin ako sa kanya pero ineenjoy ko nalang, hindi ko kinikimkim at hinahayaang makaapekto sa kung ano mang natira sa buhay ko.

Phase X: The Other Side Of The Door
- "When I left, I wanted you to chase after me."
- Ano yung sabi mo? "I hate that you're perfectly fine without me." Well . Medj. Kinda. Sorta. Sige oo na nga. Kahit na napapadalas kong niyuyurakan ang pagkatao para makalimutan ka, may konting parte parin sakin na umaasa na mali ako, na hindi ka ganung klaseng tao, na baka naman may pag-asa pa ko sa puso mo.  Kaya kita iniiwasan kasi gusto kong makita kung babalikan mo ko. Abang-abang uli. Baka magmilagro si St. Jude.

Phase XI: The Story Of Us
- "I'm dying to know, is it killing you, like it's killing me?"
- Hindi ako pasensyosong tao, lalo na sa mga walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay na kagaya nya. Hindi ako maghihintay ng matagal para magkaroon sya ng lakas ng loob para habulin ako. Hindi rin ako humble na tao. Nagkakaroon ako ng kaaway dahil sa pride ko. Sa phase na to, pride nalang talaga ang pinanghahawakan ko eh. Habang hindi nya ko pinapahalagahan, hindi ako aamin sa kahinaan. Hindi ko parin ipapakita na mahal ko sya. As far as he's concerned, deadma ako sa kanya. Hindi ko mapanindigan sa sarili ko na hindi ko na sya mahal, kaya kahit yung ibang tao, kasama na sya, ay maloko ko man lang. Hindi ako aamin na sya ang kahinaan ko. Pero ang totoo, nangangati parin ako upang gumawa ng paraan para mahalin mo ko uli. Tamang tyempo, tamang timpla ng mood mo, baka may pag-asa na uli tayo.

Phase XII: Sparks Fly
- "My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea."
- Isang araw, isang hapon, isang gabi, isang oras. Kahit gaano katagal, basta may mangyaring magpapaalala sa akin ng mga bagay na minahal ko sa kanya. Pag nahuli ako ng nakababa ang depensa, fuck, eto nanaman. Lalabas nanaman na kahinaan ko sya. Mahinang mahina talaga ako pagdating sa kanya. At dahil yun sa tuwa at ibang ligayang nararamdaman ko kapag kasama ko sya, kapag nakakabiruan, kapag nakakatrabaho. Babalik na tayo uli sa Phase I. Haaaay Kamote.

Dear 'Teh:

Let me be begin by saying that I don't really like you. You're young and green while though I'm not THAT old, I'm wiser and more experienced. Hence, I did not deserve your disrespectful quips. Fine, it was a long time ago. I may have a mild temper, but when you've woken the dragon, the dragon does not forgive easily. You might've thought yourself witty then but you're going to pay for it by enduring my biting sarcasm and petulant attitude towards you. This letter does not have any intention of making peace between us. Just so we're clear.

So, you like a guy? And you want to let go. No, I'm not stalking you. I'd unfollow you on Facebook, you cheap-ass newsfeed spammer. But I had this morbid curiosity about your status messages about that guy you're talking about. I'm not going to ask you about that in real life. You just wish. But seeing that you're still young and I'm wiser in things like this, I feel that you need my wisdom. No, you did not ask me for advice and no, I do not need anything in return. But if you insist, please disappear from the face of the earth. Haha. I am only half kidding. But listen to me darling, I wish you no harm (right now). You will hear this from your friends too one day but I'd say, the earlier, the better.

Once, I was like you. I'd never admit that to myself, much less to other people in real life. But I was once someone like you. I was young, at the threshold of my dreams, starting my life anew. College was heaven except for ES 1 and EEE 11, but it was more or less like heaven. I was 16 going on 17, same age as you, I presume, when I took a tumble, knocked my head on a boulder and began to like someone. I've never seen such sexy broad shoulders. I've never been so mesmerized with a smile. I've never beheld such perfectly ruffled korean boy band hair. Boy, this guy... this guy was it. He got me. You will never know the things I did to catch his attention. All to chase my dream of being worthy in his eyes. But truth is, up to this day, I will never admit to myself that I'd never have his attention. I just won't take any of that "move on, let go" shit. All these years, I kept a part of me hoping that one day, if I do well enough, I can see his eyes smiling at me with pride. That one day, if I achieve enough, I can have his heart. I just wanted to hear him say that I've done well. For so long, I've toiled for that ambition. And perhaps, I would remain a slave to that futile fantasy until I am redeemed from my folly.

I'm glad to say that there may be hope for you, but you have to listen. You said that you want to let go of him. I have no idea of how much willpower you have on your being, but it will take all of that and more to run away. You want to let go? Run away from every chance to meet him. Run fast and run hard. Do not look back. Block him on facebook, ditch your mutual friends. Try to avoid anything that concerns him. You do not want to remember anything you like about him as relapses can occur. A friend of mine once said, "Pag lumayo ka, either makakalimutan mo na sya or mamimiss ka nya at sya na ang maghahabol sayo." Those options are not bad at all. If you cannot avoid him, first, make sure that it he is truly unavoidable. You do not want to fall prey to your made-up excuses. If he is truly unavoidable, minimize your contact. Remember that it is easier to deal with the physical aspect first before the emotional aspect.

Now that you are physically separated from the object of your blind affection, it is time to work on you. Believe me, you will be miserable. One week into the physical separation thing and you will cry yourself to sleep out of sheer loneliness. But you will get used to it. Just stay strong. You would now really need to fill that void in your heart. You can use anything. Acads, family, old and new friends, org work. Just put your whole heart behind it. Get out, find a new hobby, make new friends. Make yourself happy. Indulge in whatever fancy you have (except him of course). You will relapse, you will miss him like shit and think that he's the only guy you longed for that much. But girl, you're going to say that for so much more men in your life. Some of which may actually give a damn about you.

Keep going and your heart will be callused from him. If you can find someone more reachable during that time, so much the better. But seeing that you're not even half as pretty as I dare say I am and with your rather distasteful brand of witty, I'd say your "reachable" is still a long shot. Haha. I'm mean. Oh, but you'll get over it. Anywho, I'd just wouldn't want someone else, no matter how ugly they are, to make the same mistakes as me. I owe the world that much for the lessons it taught me. You know, pass it on things. Maybe one day, I'd come across this letter to you and re-learn this lesson again. Maybe I'll even get to apply it. But for now, you can have these lessons. I'm still trying to figure out how much pain I'll go through as I keep on pinning my heart's hopes on unmoving and unfeeling boulders with really sexy tussled korean boy band hair.

With less love than you think,
Redge

So yeah, I'm thinking of getting a new jersey! (I still have to pretend that I know how to play ultimate frisbee to get it. XD) Despite being a self-loving bitch, I think that the most important thing in a jersey, aside from the names at the front and back, is the number. The jersey number says a lot about the player so as a rule, that number should mean something for the player. It is also essential that you have a jersey number that is permanent for all your jerseys because that would make your jersey collection a little bit more awesome. You should also think of an equally awesome replacement number in case someone else beats you to your first number. So here I am, wasting time that should be for sleeping, making this list of numbers that I can put on my next jerseys :)

1 - "Number 1, every one should know, check this out!"~ Haha The Boys! :P
2 - Le Birthday, Birth Month and the last digit of le Birth Year :P
3 - Favorite single digit number. And I've never worn it before :)
4 - Just cause I have a number 4 jersey and it looks okay naman :)
7 - CR7! Cristiano Ronaldo FTW!
8 - My luckiest number. :P
11 - 2 number ones! 3 in binary! lolol
15 - Wesley Gonzales' jersey number. Chris Tiu's birthday.
17 - CHRIS TIU! KaRegInna anniv :P
21 - Kwon Yuri! <3
22 - Just cause I was born on Feb. 2 = 02/02
23 - My favorite number! :)
24 - Choi SooYoung! <3
26 - Birthday ni MG  ERASE ERASE ERASE
27 - Wesley Gonzales' birthday :P
36 - Used to like this number alot :P
45 - XB #2's IEC jersey number. "OMG, we have the same number! We're so meant to be!" hihihi~
53 - ohohoh. As in EEE 53, the "Revenge Of The Sith" subject. =))

Beyond math, sometimes numbers say more than letters. Letters can fully articulate what an event means to you but when you associate an event with a number, like monthsaries, anniversaries and birthdays, it just takes a random occurrence of that number to bring that event flooding back into your memory. Maybe it's just me and my frustrated mathematician weirdness, but when I come across numbers in exams or in car license plates, I remember the various people, things and events that I associate with those numbers.

Beyond math and Rayton's "1 + 1 = 0" theory, we can also assign values or rather, variable feelings to numbers. I like 22 because that's my birthday but I remember that it was also the 22nd of January that I realized that I have feelings for the comebacking l'amour d'hier (pwedeng CLADH for short? HAHAHA). 22 is a bit bittersweet because of that. Same goes with 26. My beloved bombastarr friend Karla was born on a 26th and so is CLADH. Ondoy happened on September 26. I guess this is what makes a number "good" or "bad" for me. Depending on what feeling surfaces when I come across that number.

Letters and numbers. I guess that's how you can describe my world. :P

They ask us to give love on Christmas day. I am sure to have received love not just today, but also everyday, for the past 359 days; enough reason to continuously believe in humanity. I don't think I can ever give back love equal to or even half of the love that the people in my life have given me. I also love people in ways that I know they can never return but I guess that's just Christmas Spirit right there. The more you give, the more you have.

To the people who continuously show me that I am entitled to love, kindness and presents (in cash or in kind) even if it's not December, namely:

My Family: Dad, Mom, Abbey and Renz. Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. Grandmother.
-May we spend more Christmases together; complete, happy and a little less sober. <3 Haha.

My College Friends: Gosh you are so many but I love all of you dearly!
-May our Christmases be warm with or without someone to cuddle with. I know that my Christmas is warmer because I know that you guys are always beside and behind me all the way. I love you all. Words cannot express how thankful I am for all of you. For all the love, support, loyalty and laughter, my heart fills with gratitude and my eyes, with tears. :')

My High School Friends: Justine, Danielle, Mars, Marny, Jemie, Angela and Pam.
-Girls! I may never seem to miss you, but in my heart there is always a space aching for you. I wish you are all well. I love you too! =))

My Organization, UP ERG: All 155++ of you!
-I've always been so much grateful for being part of the institution that is UP ERG. After our best Engg Week ever, I am ever so proud of being part of this family. I want to thank you guys for the laughter, the help and the support that you guys showed me, Rae, Jas and Jeff. Thank you, Kuya JP for the trust and support. Thank you, Ate Angel, Kuya Ice, Ate Ayrie and Ate Lia, for all their guidance and help. Thank you for giving me a chance to experience this awesome once-in-a-lifetime event. Thank you daughter Jeff for giving it your all. I heart UP ERG. I wish all of you DEP an awesomely Merry Christmas!


...THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU, MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

Yehesss. Christmas message.

Halatang tinatamad ako mag GM =))

Merry Christmas, one and all! =)

• ...my first and hopefully, my last 5.0 
• I've never thought I'd get a 5.0 ever. Maybe that's why I got it. I began the sem with an arrogant notion of invincibility. I've survived six crazy sems of EEE and perhaps the last four would just breeze by me. Well, wrong, the fuck I was. It was the hardest sem I had to go through. Although it wasn't because the subjects were hard. I think I did well in understanding them. It's just that I was fucking up the execution parts (ie exams, DP's etc) badly. I was cramming horribly. I screwed my body clock up and consequently my immune system. I was just so arrogant about it. I had this little voice telling me, "Eh magcucurve naman yan." But I never asked the voice, "Kung nagcurve nga, aabot ba ko?" which is exactly what happened.
• Regrets: Well, to start with that last EEE53 homework that I didn't submit. Surely enough, if I had passed it, I would have moved on ECE113. I regret forming the horrible habit of sleeping at 6pm and then cramming everything in the wee hours of the morning. I regret the sleepless nights and the zombie days. But most of all, I regret the overconfidence. I was sent hurtling down from the clouds and into the ground where I belong. Indeed, he who makes himself first will become last. But also, the fuck. If there was anything that I learned from Papa D (Sir Allan Dioko, my 3rd year HS adviser) it's that there is no use dwelling in regrets. We have to keep moving onward and upward. Whether you have to run, walk, climb, swim, crawl or slither, you have to keep moving forward. 
• My last words: Vengeance, mine will thine be.

I close my eyes and I see your beautiful brown eyes staring at my black ones. Every moment of you and me exchanging looks of surprise, question, anxiety, hope and whatnot flashes before me. Every vacant waking moment, I spend pondering your brown eyes. They are a most surreal experience. I fancy looking into those wonderful orbs and seeing someone who wants me for who I am. I wish that at those times you stare into me, searching the answers to your questions, you find someone you would want, someone you can love. I hope you know that when you look me in the eye, you're looking in the eyes of someone who can love you for who you are, someone who would always be there for you, someone who doesn’t mind spending an eternity with you.



I imagine that distinct scent of yours, the one that sends me into fits of arousal, wafting around the proximity. The smell of your skin lingers in my memories. I breathe you, I take in the scent of you with all sorts of relish. No one smells quite like you. Actually, no one smells sexy quite like you. It's a smell I'd gladly wake up to every morning of my life.



Your deep quiet voice resounds in my head. It echoes through my thoughts. Your voice soothes me like waves crashing against a rocky beach. It agitates yet quells the uprising seawater and whittles it down to white bubbly foam. It has a cool calming quality like a purr of the kitten but perhaps more gruff. And then there's your charming smile. You smile with your eyes and the combination takes my breath away. You know, you smile at me a lot. Perhaps I like that too much about you. Do you find me funny? Do you find me witty? I hope you do, because I'd be anything, I'd say anything, just to see you smile. More than that, there is an extreme level of satisfaction that I gain when I make you laugh. It makes me shiver with desire when I see your shoulders shudder as you laugh your soundless laugh. It's more of a snicker than a laugh but to me it's like striking the gold mine of your heart.



There was this one time I watched you while you were sleeping, your head on your skinny arms, tilted to the right. Light falls on your smooth hair like raindrops rolling on black velvet. Your eyelashes were fluttering with your relaxed breathing. I looked down at your peaceful figure and fervently wished that I could snuggle in with you, hold you in my arms and let the moment last us 'til eternity.



What have you done to me? What enchantment has fallen upon me? You left me spinning in my heels, not knowing what hit me. Every moment spent with you feels like watching the sunset. You make me feel wanted. You make me feel needed. Every time our eyes connect, I feel something almost tangible between us. It's like we depend on each other so much. We can really make a good team you know, once the opportunity arises. Of the boys and the men that I deal with everyday, you were the one who stood out because you care. I know I chose you. I swayed myself to fall for you. It's something I regret at times but how do you sincerely regret something that makes you feel good?



In this moment of pure fancy, you were my prince, my hero and my love. The next moment, reality dawns on me once again. I have to face the truth. I have to dance my lonely waltz one more time. Pretending you don't matter, pretending I don't really care. You are my friend, perhaps nothing more. No one knows for sure how you feel about me and for sure no one knows how I feel about you. They know I wrote something about how I fancy someone but it is for certain that they don't know it's you. That's my secret.



'Til the next moment of fancy takes over me and my lonely soul.