The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

I am a lot of things but "rebel" has never been one of them. However, this weekend would be closest I had ever gone to the edge. I spent the night with seven most wonderful friends in a condo in Tagaytay without actual parental consent. I am 23 and has been a model daughter up to this point. I would describe it as my "Rapunzel out her tower for the first time" moment, rapidly alternating between basking in my newfound freedom and bemoaning my delinquency as a daughter. Despite the guilt, it was a great night not because I felt like a legit adult for the first time, but because of the things I've learned, wrapped in a warm blanket while watching dawn trickle over the hills of Tagaytay City.

This weekend, I learned the value of a well-thought out surrender. All our lives, we've been taught to fight on, fight for what we think is right, to never give up the fight. It has always been the first and most romantic option. I had been described as a fighter before and as someone who is ultra-competitive, I take this as high compliment. This has always been encouraged by my stubborn control freak streak. But this weekend, I've learned to surrender a lot of things that I know and did not know I was clutching contentiously.

Surrender to the circumstance
-First of all, I had to give up any measure of control over anything in this trip. It was spontaneous; planned less than 20 hours before we left. There wasn't a lot of time to obsess over how to get there, how to get home, what to bring, etc. There was no time to see things in my head and pick apart imaginary conversations. It took us 4 hours to reach Tagaytay and an hour to find something to eat. There was no way I could get home before the day ends so as much as I was so much close to tears, thinking about how I would find myself locked out of our house with my clothes strewn all over the street, I felt that there was no choice but to resign myself and enjoy the moment. It paid off handsomely and I had a great time, getting to know these people and having fun with them.

Surrender to not being enough
-The hardest part of loving you was finding out how to love you correctly. The hardest part of falling out of love with you is accepting that I never had what it takes to love you the way you want to. It was me against a world of you in which I would never be welcome. I accept that I will never understand you more than you want me to. We will always be friends who are more different than similar. It feels like I'm giving up on you and I'm afraid to admit I have failed as a friend to you. It feels wrong to stop seeking you out when I know you're so lost. I want to be here, I want to find you but I can't lead you out of the woods. I give up on the impossible dream of being enough for you. In this surrender, may I find my peace.

Surrender to your inner vixen
-I have always been so careful when it comes to committing attention to a person I like. I've always wanted to be the mysterious smart girl who seems cold and distant but melts to this bubbly ray of sunshine if you love her enough. I've never had the courage to go further than a smile and hello. But perhaps as an offshoot of the seemingly reckless move to just stay the night, I felt a little more cocky than usual. I felt like I should make the most out of this recklessness and throw around some love. I was not afraid to be a little flirty with the words, be a little cheeky with the smiles and looks. Might be the alcohol but I felt feelings again. I fell out of and in love in a single night. It felt weird at first but I surrendered to the feeling that I want to love again. I want to be smitten all over again. I want butterflies, I want you, Senpai. I even flirted with someone younger than me. It's crazy but I really haven't got my flirting skills dusted in a long time. I don't know what happens next and I don't really care that much. I'll regret this maybe but as I always like to say, "Love seems to mock us at such times, and yet how can we not choose it again and again?"