The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

I am home alone, lying down on my belly, racked by menstrual cramps. I would really like to go out and enjoy my meager 2 week break and swim like I've never seen the beach when we go to Batangas this weekend. But no can do. I'm a victim of my own body. I'm a girl, has been for 19 years, so I guess I just have to tough this one out too. DX

If it never ends then when do we start? crooned Adam Levine when we watched Maroon 5 Live in Manila last Monday, May 23. I've not had that much fun until recently due to, quoting my friend Cholo, "Dear UP, can I please have my life back before it's too late?" You get the point. I felt ALIVE. But really, I HAD A BLAST. Wonderful setlist, awesome screaming fangirl friends, sexiness in the form of Adam Levine. Really, there is nothing I could have wished for. Except to have REALLY seen Adam Levine in the flesh with my own two eyes. Awesome. Thank you Universe, thank you overly strict parents for letting this one slide.

If it never ends then when do we start? The Maroon 5 concert was an escape of sorts. An escape from responsibility, an escape from academics, an escape from feelings festering inside. Waking up on the morning of the 24th, everything came rushing back. If this cycle of pseudo-hatred and crazed adoration never ends, when does an attempt at genuine friendship start? If this unwarranted desire never ends, when does salvation and respect begin? If this procrastination never ends, when will our database updating begin? Why do I even have to wake up?

Craaaamps. Might as well strap me onto my bed. I cannot get up anyway.

Right, there's a Maroon 5 song for that... I'm never gonna leave this bed.


As I am being held hostage by my own body, I wonder how my feelings hold me and my emotional stability hostage sometimes. How I always put what I feel in front of me every time. How has that helped me? Can I ever get over myself?

Magpapakabait na ko. Eto kasi yun eh. Eto yung ayokong masira. Eto yung hindi ko kayang i-risk. Never in a thousand years ko to iririsk just because of a reason so self-serving. /*May picture dapat kasama to eh. */
-Excerpt from my facebook account (May 13, 2011)


Still looking for that picture. I think no one posted it. That's sad coz that would be something I'd hold on to. 


I've come to accept that right now, this happy happy friendship  is all that I've got, all that I hope for. I haven't stop dreaming that maybe we could be something more but I've stopped acting on my delusions. We'd laugh, we'd study, we'd work together. We'd still walk beside each other, laze around hoping for the prof to never enter the door. And that's all that we'd so happily be. I simply cannot allow myself to be so besotted by his  kind ways. You always want what you cant have. But you can always choose to stop wanting it. 


"Sana ako ako nalang. Sana ako parin. Sana ako nalang ulit"
-Basha, One More Chance


Oh here we go again. ikaw nalang. ikaw parin naman. At ikaw nalang talaga ulit. Yeah, I think if my friends have a choice, they'd hit me in the head, run me over by a truck and fill me with enough Tanduay Ice to induce partial amnesia. Oh great hahaha. It's May 22 today. It's my self-proclaimed "monthsary". 28 months of sheer martyrdom. After 8 more months, maybe you can ask me for a miracle then I can be beatified. :D

I'm so tired. Exhausted. Spent. Slumped.

All I really need is sleep but like lemon to a gaping wound, my issues keep me awake.
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"You always want what you can't have." "Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it."


Edi ako na nga ang sinapian ni Bitter Ocampo. 


Is the universe truly unfair or are we just spoiled brats who are never contented with its ways?
Are you truly undesirable or is it just not yet your time to shine?
Are you destined to remain single for the rest of your life or are you just not emotionally ready for commitment?
Are the people around you lazy bums or does this mean that they trust you completely?
What does it mean to be a leader? What does it mean to be in the inner circle of power?
If your feelings and thoughts transcend the boundaries of space and time, is it really true love?
Is there anything more foolish (or selfish) than falling for someone happy with another?
Does he not have cough medicine at home? Does his girlfriend even care? Why do I have to ask?

It's hard to think and write about universally encompassing truths. There's always something wrong. There is always something you don't believe in. There is something that does not apply. Cases exist. Sometimes all you need is common sense. And sometimes your intuition is no use.

Just imagine like a hundred or so questions like that running through my head lately. Plus Quantum Mechanics.

I am consciously losing consciousness. Bit by bit, I submit to my weary bones. My questions never cease. Tomorrow is a new day.