The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

Last week, some friends and I were discussing Halloween plans. I had planned to go home to Bulacan to tend to the graves of my maternal grandparents and they made plans to scare the living shit out of our other friends by forcing them to watch horror movies. I heave a sigh of relief knowing that had I been free on Halloween night, I'd probably pretend to man up and join my friends in watching horror movies despite the fact that I'm a big scaredy-cat. While I was congratulating myself for the super advanced planning, a friend, as a jest, brought up the idea of exchanging gifts on Halloween just to give it a unique twist. I love how my friends are always so sharp when it comes to crazy things to do. This idea inspired me to write this entry because who said love letters are only for Valentines' Day anyway? Isn't love also something that brings us sleepless nights, anxiety and a general sense of impending doom? Doesn't love sometimes feel like a scene in the horror movies where the hero wanders in a creepy dark forest, trying to ignore the things that go bump in the night and waiting for the dawn to come? Love sometimes starts out like a horror movie and sometimes, it ends that way too. Point is, love is scary. So maybe falling in love is something you can treat yourself with on the spookiest night of the year.

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F-S-,

Happy All Hallow's Eve! I hope you have plans for tonight other than showing up to our weekly games. I mention this to spare you the cajoling you would be getting from everybody to join them in watching horror movies. They know you don't like horror movies and if you fall into their trap, they'd be watching every flinch you make, every eyelash you bat and every time you gnash your teeth and you'll never hear the end of it. I'm saying this because I won't be with you tonight. Had I been, I'd be among them, pleading you to watch with us. You know that I hate horror movies. I believe it's unnecessary to add such fear and tension to your life but you know what? I'd sit through a slasher flick with you. I'd sit beside you, shoulders touching ever so slightly as if saying that we're in this together. Trust me, you would feel the anxiety coursing through my body and with that, I hope you'll feel braver. I remember that one time we discussed horror movies and you laughed at my admission that I can't be a strong, independent girl all the damn time. Have you been looking forward to catch me in a vulnerable moment? Well, I'm as vulnerable as it can get when I'm scared shitless. I'm sorry you won't get to see that just yet. But you know what's really scary? Falling in love way too fast and way too hard. HAHAHAHA I know, nice segue, right? But truth be told, I worry that I might be falling for you far too fast, if such a thing is possible. Let's face it, any girl worth her salt will take a good look at you and your accomplishments and would probably fall for you faster than your drop shot. I worry about falling too hard for a guy I barely know, although at this point, I've already shared some of this year's best memories with you. I'm scared of the stupid things I'd say, the stupid things I'd do and the stupid things that I am. The week immediately after our long weekend escape, I was feeling a weird cocktail of emotions but what emerged on top was anxiety. I was scared to fall for a virtual stranger, someone I could not predict or read. Actually, I was scared to fall again, period. As much as I was feeling all the butterflies, I keep looking over my shoulder half-expecting the pin to drop: that you're in love with someone else and I can't have you. Have you ever met someone who has never been afraid of getting their hearts broken? Of course not. So I know this is but natural. However, my hopes have reached dizzying heights at this point. I know I asked for this. I had wanted to be broken by your dimpled smile. I had wanted my heart crushed by your slender, strong hands. But I cannot overcome the dread of being hung out to dry. I dread the day you'll smile sadly at me and try to let me down gently. I mean, for sure I'll survive it. The sky will surely not fall down on that day. But as early as now, I find myself freaking out at the thought. I balk at the imagined sound of my heart shattering once again. There's a tiny seed of doubt that I'd flip out and just lose my chill. What if I just can't take the disappointment anymore? I scare myself with that thought sometimes. Maybe my horror movie is watching you break my heart and seeing myself unable to take it sitting down. Even the thought, I cannot. But I know there is little I can do but live in the now and hold the past close. I still feel your eyes on my face. I still feel your fingers on my back. They are but ghosts of pleasurable sensations but they're all I have for now. I have replayed in my mind the time you smiled and waved goodbye to me so many times, it must've been burned at the back of my skull already. I remember the passenger seat of your car way too many times a day. I live my weeks counting down the hours until I see you again. I'm driving myself crazy trying to push your smiling eyes out of my mind. I couldn't concentrate on anything, dreaming of your smile like a simpering fool. There's just no maturity in these feelings for you. You've managed to turn responsible, adult Redge to bubbly, jumpy, hormonal teenage Redge. You are so many Taylor Swift songs coming true, all at the same time. It was enchanting to meet you. This is a state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight. Sparks fly whenever you smile. You might have me believing that I don't always have to be alone. This slope is treacherous and I like it. All my days I'll know your face and all I know since yesterday is everything has changed. You brought back the color and the candor in my life. You've given me something to hope for. You turned me human again. So darling, can we just stay this way a little while longer? Can't we just stay in this cheesy bubblegum phase of crushness? Allow me to love you a little longer. Let me know you better. I talk a lot but there's just so much more to discover about me. Maybe you'll like me even more. Stay within my heart's reach. Hold me and then slowly let me go. You are my earnest wish and my sincerest prayer. I want you, I really do. Haven't really wanted anyone like this for the ~longest time. But no pressure. Take your time. Let me grow on you for a little bit. Just know that whenever you're ready, I'll be here waiting, wanting, oh so willing and completely yours for the taking. Have a wonderful Halloween, love. See you next week. :)

-R