The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

That night was balmy at best. I remember riding an ikot jeep, sticking my head a little bit outside the window, allowing the wind whip through my hair. I thought I could shake my silly thoughts off that way. How dare I think of one day being in your place. How could I imagine you standing there, smiling at me and handing over whatever symbol of your office you think of. How can I even dare fantasize about the speech I will give as I hand over to you my token of appreciation. Silly Girl. You will never be worthy of his place. You are not his heir. What is your problem? You never aspired that before. Is it because he holds it now and you want to impress him still? I smiled at my folly and shook my head all the way home. I know that I am not the person for those kind of things. Politics. I'd rather be a quiet citizen of the world. It's just that I'm too crazy for you that I'm imagining myself to take up your place one day. Just a crazy bitch, crazy in love.

That day was hot and hectic. I remember the dust mites dancing in the afternoon light. I remember your eyes looking into mine and asking me if I would. Oh hell no. I couldn't believe you just said that but there was no way I could say yes. I'm not ready for this. I told myself that you really didn't want me to. That you were just kind and so that people will say that you gave me a fair chance. I believed that will all my heart and resented you for it. It was your fault I'm not ready. You never trusted me even as I supported you all the way. You did not understand that the reason why I am here was because I wanted you to know that I can do it. You said that I can do it, that you believed in my ability. I called you bluff. Can you blame me? I waited a year for you to say it. How could you say that just now? Where were you in my shining moments? You never saw my work. You didn't care. How can you say you believe in me? What is this crazy bullshit?

Even though I decided not to take you up on your offer that afternoon, I have resolved from that day on, that I will be ready the next time you asked me. I have been waiting. I have been waiting for you to give me that chance again. It depressed me that you weren't showing any signs. Actually, I feel that you have been avoiding me. Maybe you didn't want me anymore, maybe you wanted me to make that decision myself, maybe you were just biding your time, maybe you just couldn't show any partiality towards me, maybe you have rejection issues too. A heap of maybes. Useless maybes. I now realize that it didn't matter. Two years ago, that afternoon, they don't matter anymore. It's all up to me. Right now, am I ready for this? A year ago, I had to have you say it but right now, who needs your word when all the proof that I need, I have given myself. Of all the things that I have done... I wanted to believe I was doing it for the org but I still catch myself doing it for you but that doesn't matter too. I have done something. I have it in me, that I know. Doesn't matter for whom or for what. I have what it takes. No one can ever say otherwise. That being said, you know I really truly and honestly meant it with all my heart.

It took me all my courage (and a good chunk of my hair) to rise up to this challenge. I had wanted you to give me that extra boost, that extra spring in my step but it was already past time to realize that you will not lend yourself as an inspiration. If I do this, I'll do this at least for myself and certainly not for or because of you. I had to bite that bullet. But who needs your crappy endorsement? So yes, I'm running for Executive Vice President. So yes, I'm coming after you even if it means facing off with a friend. A very dear friend. Not to say that our friendship will be affected, but I know the sacrifices and capabilities of my friend and to go up there and ask people to see me as a better choice, I find that heavy in my heart. I feel I'm at a disadvantage but I don't know what will happen. Goddamit, I don't even care about what will happen.

So I guess this is not about you anymore, isn't it? It's about me and my organization. My family for the past three years. This is not a battle for your affection but rather, a debt that I must pay. For the love, the friendships and the experiences. None of which you ever gave me, by the way. ;)