The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

Last week, some friends and I were discussing Halloween plans. I had planned to go home to Bulacan to tend to the graves of my maternal grandparents and they made plans to scare the living shit out of our other friends by forcing them to watch horror movies. I heave a sigh of relief knowing that had I been free on Halloween night, I'd probably pretend to man up and join my friends in watching horror movies despite the fact that I'm a big scaredy-cat. While I was congratulating myself for the super advanced planning, a friend, as a jest, brought up the idea of exchanging gifts on Halloween just to give it a unique twist. I love how my friends are always so sharp when it comes to crazy things to do. This idea inspired me to write this entry because who said love letters are only for Valentines' Day anyway? Isn't love also something that brings us sleepless nights, anxiety and a general sense of impending doom? Doesn't love sometimes feel like a scene in the horror movies where the hero wanders in a creepy dark forest, trying to ignore the things that go bump in the night and waiting for the dawn to come? Love sometimes starts out like a horror movie and sometimes, it ends that way too. Point is, love is scary. So maybe falling in love is something you can treat yourself with on the spookiest night of the year.

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F-S-,

Happy All Hallow's Eve! I hope you have plans for tonight other than showing up to our weekly games. I mention this to spare you the cajoling you would be getting from everybody to join them in watching horror movies. They know you don't like horror movies and if you fall into their trap, they'd be watching every flinch you make, every eyelash you bat and every time you gnash your teeth and you'll never hear the end of it. I'm saying this because I won't be with you tonight. Had I been, I'd be among them, pleading you to watch with us. You know that I hate horror movies. I believe it's unnecessary to add such fear and tension to your life but you know what? I'd sit through a slasher flick with you. I'd sit beside you, shoulders touching ever so slightly as if saying that we're in this together. Trust me, you would feel the anxiety coursing through my body and with that, I hope you'll feel braver. I remember that one time we discussed horror movies and you laughed at my admission that I can't be a strong, independent girl all the damn time. Have you been looking forward to catch me in a vulnerable moment? Well, I'm as vulnerable as it can get when I'm scared shitless. I'm sorry you won't get to see that just yet. But you know what's really scary? Falling in love way too fast and way too hard. HAHAHAHA I know, nice segue, right? But truth be told, I worry that I might be falling for you far too fast, if such a thing is possible. Let's face it, any girl worth her salt will take a good look at you and your accomplishments and would probably fall for you faster than your drop shot. I worry about falling too hard for a guy I barely know, although at this point, I've already shared some of this year's best memories with you. I'm scared of the stupid things I'd say, the stupid things I'd do and the stupid things that I am. The week immediately after our long weekend escape, I was feeling a weird cocktail of emotions but what emerged on top was anxiety. I was scared to fall for a virtual stranger, someone I could not predict or read. Actually, I was scared to fall again, period. As much as I was feeling all the butterflies, I keep looking over my shoulder half-expecting the pin to drop: that you're in love with someone else and I can't have you. Have you ever met someone who has never been afraid of getting their hearts broken? Of course not. So I know this is but natural. However, my hopes have reached dizzying heights at this point. I know I asked for this. I had wanted to be broken by your dimpled smile. I had wanted my heart crushed by your slender, strong hands. But I cannot overcome the dread of being hung out to dry. I dread the day you'll smile sadly at me and try to let me down gently. I mean, for sure I'll survive it. The sky will surely not fall down on that day. But as early as now, I find myself freaking out at the thought. I balk at the imagined sound of my heart shattering once again. There's a tiny seed of doubt that I'd flip out and just lose my chill. What if I just can't take the disappointment anymore? I scare myself with that thought sometimes. Maybe my horror movie is watching you break my heart and seeing myself unable to take it sitting down. Even the thought, I cannot. But I know there is little I can do but live in the now and hold the past close. I still feel your eyes on my face. I still feel your fingers on my back. They are but ghosts of pleasurable sensations but they're all I have for now. I have replayed in my mind the time you smiled and waved goodbye to me so many times, it must've been burned at the back of my skull already. I remember the passenger seat of your car way too many times a day. I live my weeks counting down the hours until I see you again. I'm driving myself crazy trying to push your smiling eyes out of my mind. I couldn't concentrate on anything, dreaming of your smile like a simpering fool. There's just no maturity in these feelings for you. You've managed to turn responsible, adult Redge to bubbly, jumpy, hormonal teenage Redge. You are so many Taylor Swift songs coming true, all at the same time. It was enchanting to meet you. This is a state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight. Sparks fly whenever you smile. You might have me believing that I don't always have to be alone. This slope is treacherous and I like it. All my days I'll know your face and all I know since yesterday is everything has changed. You brought back the color and the candor in my life. You've given me something to hope for. You turned me human again. So darling, can we just stay this way a little while longer? Can't we just stay in this cheesy bubblegum phase of crushness? Allow me to love you a little longer. Let me know you better. I talk a lot but there's just so much more to discover about me. Maybe you'll like me even more. Stay within my heart's reach. Hold me and then slowly let me go. You are my earnest wish and my sincerest prayer. I want you, I really do. Haven't really wanted anyone like this for the ~longest time. But no pressure. Take your time. Let me grow on you for a little bit. Just know that whenever you're ready, I'll be here waiting, wanting, oh so willing and completely yours for the taking. Have a wonderful Halloween, love. See you next week. :)

-R

"It is never romantic to fuck the girl who makes love to her own sadness every single night.”
– Katelin Wagner, “Disappearing Acts (after Miles Hodges)”

I am a lot of things but "rebel" has never been one of them. However, this weekend would be closest I had ever gone to the edge. I spent the night with seven most wonderful friends in a condo in Tagaytay without actual parental consent. I am 23 and has been a model daughter up to this point. I would describe it as my "Rapunzel out her tower for the first time" moment, rapidly alternating between basking in my newfound freedom and bemoaning my delinquency as a daughter. Despite the guilt, it was a great night not because I felt like a legit adult for the first time, but because of the things I've learned, wrapped in a warm blanket while watching dawn trickle over the hills of Tagaytay City.

This weekend, I learned the value of a well-thought out surrender. All our lives, we've been taught to fight on, fight for what we think is right, to never give up the fight. It has always been the first and most romantic option. I had been described as a fighter before and as someone who is ultra-competitive, I take this as high compliment. This has always been encouraged by my stubborn control freak streak. But this weekend, I've learned to surrender a lot of things that I know and did not know I was clutching contentiously.

Surrender to the circumstance
-First of all, I had to give up any measure of control over anything in this trip. It was spontaneous; planned less than 20 hours before we left. There wasn't a lot of time to obsess over how to get there, how to get home, what to bring, etc. There was no time to see things in my head and pick apart imaginary conversations. It took us 4 hours to reach Tagaytay and an hour to find something to eat. There was no way I could get home before the day ends so as much as I was so much close to tears, thinking about how I would find myself locked out of our house with my clothes strewn all over the street, I felt that there was no choice but to resign myself and enjoy the moment. It paid off handsomely and I had a great time, getting to know these people and having fun with them.

Surrender to not being enough
-The hardest part of loving you was finding out how to love you correctly. The hardest part of falling out of love with you is accepting that I never had what it takes to love you the way you want to. It was me against a world of you in which I would never be welcome. I accept that I will never understand you more than you want me to. We will always be friends who are more different than similar. It feels like I'm giving up on you and I'm afraid to admit I have failed as a friend to you. It feels wrong to stop seeking you out when I know you're so lost. I want to be here, I want to find you but I can't lead you out of the woods. I give up on the impossible dream of being enough for you. In this surrender, may I find my peace.

Surrender to your inner vixen
-I have always been so careful when it comes to committing attention to a person I like. I've always wanted to be the mysterious smart girl who seems cold and distant but melts to this bubbly ray of sunshine if you love her enough. I've never had the courage to go further than a smile and hello. But perhaps as an offshoot of the seemingly reckless move to just stay the night, I felt a little more cocky than usual. I felt like I should make the most out of this recklessness and throw around some love. I was not afraid to be a little flirty with the words, be a little cheeky with the smiles and looks. Might be the alcohol but I felt feelings again. I fell out of and in love in a single night. It felt weird at first but I surrendered to the feeling that I want to love again. I want to be smitten all over again. I want butterflies, I want you, Senpai. I even flirted with someone younger than me. It's crazy but I really haven't got my flirting skills dusted in a long time. I don't know what happens next and I don't really care that much. I'll regret this maybe but as I always like to say, "Love seems to mock us at such times, and yet how can we not choose it again and again?"