The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

I didn't even say goodbye properly.

I was wearing too-short jumper overalls over my favorite threadbare white shirt. I imagine you saw me disappear from the doorway, half-dragged and half-led by a not-so-gay friend of ours. My right hand held his and I waved at you with the left. I don't think you heard my mumbled goodbye but I do hope you saw me smile my trademark "I'm getting myself into trouble but don't worry about me" grin at you. I could have chosen to wait and go home with you but I thought that I should get used to going home without you walking me to the parking lot.

The last time you saw me was the beginning of the end.

We have a few days left before we're worlds away. The last you'll see of me is one thing that I want you to remember about me. When you think of me, of the girl I was, of the times we spent together, I want you to bring to mind the last moment of me, of that moment when I turned and resolutely stepped out of your life.

I will be wearing that black dress you saw me wear before. Now that I think of it, you saw me wearing that dress while you were with her. How ironic would that be? You would be seeing me disappear into the night, laughing with glitter in my hair. I would be happy and drunk on gin and freedom. You will know how I am when I feel free. I will look into your beautiful brown eyes - they would seem as black as mine in the dark - and I will lie to you. I never loved you; you are just a friend. I promise to try to look genuinely considerate of your feelings but the only thing I will be sorry about is the fact that you will never know because I can never tell.

I will be wearing a long cream dress with our graduation sash now on my left shoulder. We would both be lost in a sea of cream and white, between hugging friends and proud parents. Could we find each other? Let's say we would. You will see a smiling girl with perfumed ringlets cascading down her back. You would see me take pictures with our friends, maybe with you too. I would wish you well on your new job and your life. Perhaps I shall thank you for everything as well. After all, graduation makes everyone cheesy. I will then be called away. I will say my goodbye and spin away from you. The last thing you will sense in my presence is the perfume of my hair and the new hole in your life that used to be filled by me.

"Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again," sang our high school graduating class five years ago. I oft find myself wondering where the good in this goodbye is. Will the world I wanted for myself be better than this world we shared for five years? Whatever happens though, it will be worth a shot. Some would say that this goodbye seems so premature; that we are too young to absolutely say that our time with a person has ended, but I can choose to end this. You were there for my best years. We grew up together. But there is just no good in holding on to you. You can never be mine as I can never be yours. We have become all that we were ever destined to be for each other. This is the best ending we could ever hope for. I will not hold on to the last image of you, as much as I beg you to remember me, because all that I care to remember is here in my heart. This is what I want to feel about you. I will be grateful, not spiteful; fond, not bitter; of everything we've been through. The last image of me that you'll see should tell you that I will be fine, everything will be fine. I will move on and so should you.