The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

As per title...

Hi. Gusto ko lang sabihin na ang cute mo. Haha. Alam mo yan. Unang beses palang kitang nakita, nako, nagskip yung puso ko na unti-unti nang nagiging bato nung time na yun. At yang dimple mo, SHET, maliban sa sucker talaga ako sa mga guys na may dimples, dude, ugh, nakakabuo ng araw yung pagngiti mo tas lumalabas yung dimple mo. HAHA. Pero hindi na ko magdu-dwell dun dahil tapos na yun. Oo, alam ko may long time girlfriend ka. At siguro maganda sya. Although napaniginipan kong nameet ko na sya tas panget pala sya. Pero sure akong panaginip lang yun. Ayun. Hindi naman ako mangaahas. Masama yun eh. Pero hindi rin naman kita kakagatin! Nakakaasar na hindi umuubra charms ko sayo. Nice naman ako eh. Diba? I'm a nice girl. *with matching fluttering eyelashes* May common topics naman tayong pwedeng pag-usapan eh. Ayoko nalang ding lapitan ka, kasi feel kong tablado na ko agad sayo kasi ang suplado mo. Hindi ko naman ikamamatay pag hindi mo ko pansinin. That's true. Pero sayang ang natitirang oras natin. Huhu. Iiwan mo na kami for alam mo naman kung saan ka pupunta. Wow sounds familiar ng sentiment. Wala lang. Yun lang. Talk to me when you're ready. Katabi mo lang naman ako. :P

Warm Regards,
Redge <3

I wanted to see you coming and scream your name at the top of my lungs. I wanted to sit beside you and steal glances at you. I wanted to talk to you about everything I've been doing. You don't even have to say a word. I'll just talk and talk. I'd tell you about work and my teammates and our training and what we're doing. I'd ask you bout your work and you would probably say not so much but I wouldn't mind because it's you. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you, how happy I am that you're here and somehow still in my life. I wanted us to be like what we were two long months ago. I wanted to be able to laugh again with you and feel comfortable about my place in your life. I had wanted to hold on to everything. But you've already let go a long time ago.

But I don't want you anymore. I want you too much, I want you terribly so that I don't want you anymore. I don't want to want someone like this. I will push you away, I will stow myself away because I don't want you anymore. I don't want to remember all the nice things anymore. Because I long for them, love. I long for them terribly. So terrible that I feel weak and light-headed like my senses have been clouded. I was doing so well without you. This new world I'm in is wonderful. I don't want you in it anymore because you remind me how remarkably imperfect my world is without your love. It breaks me inside to see you and be reminded of how much I'm missing. I don't want you in my life anymore. It takes so much honesty to admit that to myself but I don't want you anymore. I want to be free of you, of our past, because it's the only way to move forward. I don't want you anymore. If I can't have you, there's no use in wanting you. Especially in this way. I don't want you anymore. No more.

I didn't even say goodbye properly.

I was wearing too-short jumper overalls over my favorite threadbare white shirt. I imagine you saw me disappear from the doorway, half-dragged and half-led by a not-so-gay friend of ours. My right hand held his and I waved at you with the left. I don't think you heard my mumbled goodbye but I do hope you saw me smile my trademark "I'm getting myself into trouble but don't worry about me" grin at you. I could have chosen to wait and go home with you but I thought that I should get used to going home without you walking me to the parking lot.

The last time you saw me was the beginning of the end.

We have a few days left before we're worlds away. The last you'll see of me is one thing that I want you to remember about me. When you think of me, of the girl I was, of the times we spent together, I want you to bring to mind the last moment of me, of that moment when I turned and resolutely stepped out of your life.

I will be wearing that black dress you saw me wear before. Now that I think of it, you saw me wearing that dress while you were with her. How ironic would that be? You would be seeing me disappear into the night, laughing with glitter in my hair. I would be happy and drunk on gin and freedom. You will know how I am when I feel free. I will look into your beautiful brown eyes - they would seem as black as mine in the dark - and I will lie to you. I never loved you; you are just a friend. I promise to try to look genuinely considerate of your feelings but the only thing I will be sorry about is the fact that you will never know because I can never tell.

I will be wearing a long cream dress with our graduation sash now on my left shoulder. We would both be lost in a sea of cream and white, between hugging friends and proud parents. Could we find each other? Let's say we would. You will see a smiling girl with perfumed ringlets cascading down her back. You would see me take pictures with our friends, maybe with you too. I would wish you well on your new job and your life. Perhaps I shall thank you for everything as well. After all, graduation makes everyone cheesy. I will then be called away. I will say my goodbye and spin away from you. The last thing you will sense in my presence is the perfume of my hair and the new hole in your life that used to be filled by me.

"Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again," sang our high school graduating class five years ago. I oft find myself wondering where the good in this goodbye is. Will the world I wanted for myself be better than this world we shared for five years? Whatever happens though, it will be worth a shot. Some would say that this goodbye seems so premature; that we are too young to absolutely say that our time with a person has ended, but I can choose to end this. You were there for my best years. We grew up together. But there is just no good in holding on to you. You can never be mine as I can never be yours. We have become all that we were ever destined to be for each other. This is the best ending we could ever hope for. I will not hold on to the last image of you, as much as I beg you to remember me, because all that I care to remember is here in my heart. This is what I want to feel about you. I will be grateful, not spiteful; fond, not bitter; of everything we've been through. The last image of me that you'll see should tell you that I will be fine, everything will be fine. I will move on and so should you.

The heat beat down on my head as I walk to class. My dermatologist will strangle me senseless if she knew I went walking around without sunblock again. I am grateful for a tiny swirl of wind that rifles through my loose shirt. Yellow blossoms float down, dancing happily with the breeze. The scent is sweet and fragrant, with a hint of earth and wood. It is the aroma of a sunny day, a harbinger of summer. I linger on an open window, taking it all in. The trees are swathed in all colors of their green splendor. The smell of the lush leaves and dry earth assault my senses.

Summer has arrived as we are about to leave. You will soon leave my life as I will soon leave yours, onward to the lives we want for ourselves. I get this weird feeling that my time with you is a two year long summer, and I spent it basking in your eyes and living in the happiness I found with you and your gentle ways. But it has now come to an end. I think of your eyes, your lovely goldenrod eyes, and I feel them warming my face like the morning sun. I will miss this warmth. How ironic it is to have my heart's summer end at the blossoming of the flowers! I never had any problems with goodbyes but I find it so hard to deal with this decrescendo, the waning music of what has never been. Everyone wants the summer to stay and it would be a perfect world if only we could both stay forever. But there are pains I want to let go and sins I want forgiven. When the summer ends, the flowers will have wilted, the leaves fallen and trampled. The only smell and sound will be that of the rain. And rain will wash it all away. All but the memories of happiness, wonder and warmth of one lovely and gay summer day.

Let this day be a day where I will do what I want to do just because I can. So fuck you all and goodbye. At least for today.

February 7, 2013

8:45 AM
-Woke up. Realized that I have 45 minutes left to prepare for my 10 AM class. Resolved to get up at 8:50.

8:55 AM
-Finally got out of bed. There is no turning back.

9:40 AM
-Grabbed my phone, wallet and keys and stuffed them into my tiny bag, the one I use for our impromptu Katips dinners. I cast one last look at my unmade bed and my laptop, dead to the world and free from its sleeve because I was not bringing it to school. I resolved to clean the shit out of my room as soon as I come home some 2 hours later.

10:10 AM
-Arrived at class and the first thing I did was text Justine because it's her birthday today. Tried very hard to listen to Sir, him of the bumbling voice and "divaydibay". Lost concentration at the 40th minute. To be fair, I resolved to study over the weekend. That was already the third resolution of the day.

11:00 AM
-Got my exam. Did not do well. Oh well papel. Thought of going up to the lab. Quickly pushed the thought away.

11:15 AM
-Early dismissal. Bumped into some ERG kids and made pilit jokes. Caught up with Gab, one my very few "different" friends. Kelsey caught up with us. I wasn't into talking to any of the people I'm with, although I felt sorry for having to leave Adrian alone for lunch. Apparently, Niera has gastritis so no lunch mate for him. That's semi-sorta-kinda sad. But you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself.

12:00 PM
-Got home and fixed lunch for myself. Got on 9gag after sooo long. Wasted about 45 minutes there. Went down at around 1 to eat lunch. Watched Tree With Deep Roots Episode 19. The political discourse here is amazing. I'm so sad that Prince Gwangpyung had to die. Seo Jun Young, man you are sexy!

2:00 PM
-Went back up after cleaning the dishes. Tidied around the bed area. Sat for around 15 minutes, doing nothing and just thinking. Fell fast asleep before I knew it.

5:00 PM-ish
-Woke up to the tell-tale sound of my phone vibrating. Six new messages. I felt so missed.
-One text was from Inah, greeting me a happy birthday. Probably because I said something like "Magkasunod nga pala ang birthday natin." to her yesterday after the game. I guess she took it literally. Haha. She said she remembered that we celebrated our debuts on the same weekend three years ago (which is true) so she assumed I was born on the 7th. She was so confused. But at least I know Inah cares. I've always thought she kinda hates me because I'm an obnoxious fat ass. In return, I set up our volleyball team to wear purple for her birthday tomorrow. I'll send her a picture of us. :)
-One text was from Mia, asking me where we were as we were supposed to have a meeting with the VISSER Env Sci people. I told her I was not in UP anymore. Turns out, "we" meant "my other thesis groupmates." Well, I'm sorry, I don't know where they are and I don't really care at this moment. Thank you very much.
-Ria also texted. She asked me if I was at WCEL. Without thinking, I replied that I was at the dorm. She asked if she could come by and I told her not to because I was fixing things. It felt bad to lie to her but I really don't want to see anyone today because that's the point of Me Day.
-Other texts include messages from Dawn and Tin. I don't really remember what they were about. :|

5:20 PM
-Finished cleaning up for real. Began preparing spicy chicken yakisoba. While waiting for my yakisoba to cook, I got out and ran some errands. I withdrew money and grabbed some Tiramisu Milk Tea because I need to liquidate my Php 500 bill. Came back to my spicy chicken yakisoba and gobbled it up while finishing the TWDR episode.

7:00 PM-ish
-Went back down to prepare rice. It was eerily quiet downstairs. Seems like I was the only one home. Went back up after. Looked up torrents for Lee So Yeon's movie, "Untold Scandal" which was Les Liaisons Dangereuses set in Joseon Korea. Here's to hoping it would be better than the last Joseon-set movie I watched. @___@

8:30 PM
-Went back down for dinner and a chat with the housemates. Mom also called at around 9:30.

9:55 PM
-Came back up for the final stretch of the night. Text messages came from MJ, Gelo and Lomi asking for a resked of our game tomorrow. So much for the "No social responsibility or outside contact" clause of Me Day. It's so frustrating, this rescheduling shit. And it's all because of one team. I fought so hard to not say sharp words about it because their captain hates me enough already (the feelings are mutual) and I feel sorry for Lomi who has been battered enough.  Anyway, we went back and forth and I figured it was a low-risk game for us so I went, "Why the hell not?" and agreed to the resked. My final shot came as a playful suggestion of putting a quota on the request for reskeds. Because really, guys, I know how really complicated the situation is and I know you work hard and try your best but you should really know that I am annoyed. There is no other reason. I just want to let you know how annoyed I am.

11:00 PM-ish
-Talks on the resked ended around this time. I regret that I was not able to watch a second episode of TWDR. I checked facebook and saw that he has been posting. So much for "Wala kaming net sa bahay." I wished he'd missed me. I just remembered that they should have played a game today and that I promised him I'd watch. Oh well, not that he would lack for an audience. But then their game might have been rescheduled today so whatever. Like I really really cared so so much anyway. (yup that's two really's and 2 so's)

-The whole point of shutting everyone out today was to go back to me. I have been feeling so much ~feelings~ lately because of the people around me that I sometimes forget that I don't have to live and be with them all the time. I can pull away, be happy in my tiny little bubble, out of their reach, out of their mind and out of their spite. Being alone today, everything seems so far away. It's a sort of mini-vacation.  It was really cathartic for me to drop everything. Drop feelings, drop them and all their bullshit. It's just me. What matters today is only me. What I do, what I want, is all that will happen. And once again, I feel like I'm in control of my life. That I'm not just swaying to the music of manipulations and responsibilities. I'm the captain of my ship again and  'tis a great feeling 'yo. :)

1. Believing everyone is taking her for granted.
- For one, you're the only person who has the power to influence people on how they treat you. You're not being taken for granted. You're a martyr. You let it happen. You're always the one catching the fall. You're feeling bad because you let him run away, possibly to be with her, while you're left out in the cold with everybody and their mother's burden. He offered to do it. You should have let him. But no, you're too proud and bitter to be ingratiated to him. So you swallow it all, throw paltry barbs and walk home alone. You trained him to be like this. Stop feeling like you're the victim. It will not work.

2. Forcing herself on people who are possibly disgusted by her.
- He never liked you. He's maybe nice to you but you're pushing it too far. Let go. It will not happen. You heard him. You're not friends. So stop, walk away and stay behind your goddamn fence.

3. Being too hard on herself.
- No one will die if you didn't get the spike in. The world will not stop if you make a mistake. He will not stop loving you if you've done something wrong because he never loved you in the first place. Relax. Everything is fine. There is nothing you can do to impress the people who would never be impressed by you. You're human. Live with it. Good days and bad days. It all happens.

4. Believing that she is unlovable.
- It's hard to believe that somebody will love you despite your obvious character flaws but it is true. Against all logic, there are people who still care for you even if you act like a complete idiot at times. Most of the time however, these people do not include the one you care so much for.

5. Being completely bitter without any right.
- Yes, it is a free world but being bitter is a right. Bitterness is for those who fought through gritted teeth but lost anyway. You do not have any right to be bitter at something you did not fight for. You never fought for him, you never had him. It is not his fault he loves her. It is not her fault that she is loved by him. You have no right to hate them bitterly. He doesnt deserve your bitter act. If anything. be bitter at love because everyday you wake up, you fight for love, you fight to be somebody to be loved.