Impulsive
I wanted to see you coming and scream your name at the top of my lungs. I wanted to sit beside you and steal glances at you. I wanted to talk to you about everything I've been doing. You don't even have to say a word. I'll just talk and talk. I'd tell you about work and my teammates and our training and what we're doing. I'd ask you bout your work and you would probably say not so much but I wouldn't mind because it's you. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you, how happy I am that you're here and somehow still in my life. I wanted us to be like what we were two long months ago. I wanted to be able to laugh again with you and feel comfortable about my place in your life. I had wanted to hold on to everything. But you've already let go a long time ago.
But I don't want you anymore. I want you too much, I want you terribly so that I don't want you anymore. I don't want to want someone like this. I will push you away, I will stow myself away because I don't want you anymore. I don't want to remember all the nice things anymore. Because I long for them, love. I long for them terribly. So terrible that I feel weak and light-headed like my senses have been clouded. I was doing so well without you. This new world I'm in is wonderful. I don't want you in it anymore because you remind me how remarkably imperfect my world is without your love. It breaks me inside to see you and be reminded of how much I'm missing. I don't want you in my life anymore. It takes so much honesty to admit that to myself but I don't want you anymore. I want to be free of you, of our past, because it's the only way to move forward. I don't want you anymore. If I can't have you, there's no use in wanting you. Especially in this way. I don't want you anymore. No more.
