The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

Let this day be a day where I will do what I want to do just because I can. So fuck you all and goodbye. At least for today.

February 7, 2013

8:45 AM
-Woke up. Realized that I have 45 minutes left to prepare for my 10 AM class. Resolved to get up at 8:50.

8:55 AM
-Finally got out of bed. There is no turning back.

9:40 AM
-Grabbed my phone, wallet and keys and stuffed them into my tiny bag, the one I use for our impromptu Katips dinners. I cast one last look at my unmade bed and my laptop, dead to the world and free from its sleeve because I was not bringing it to school. I resolved to clean the shit out of my room as soon as I come home some 2 hours later.

10:10 AM
-Arrived at class and the first thing I did was text Justine because it's her birthday today. Tried very hard to listen to Sir, him of the bumbling voice and "divaydibay". Lost concentration at the 40th minute. To be fair, I resolved to study over the weekend. That was already the third resolution of the day.

11:00 AM
-Got my exam. Did not do well. Oh well papel. Thought of going up to the lab. Quickly pushed the thought away.

11:15 AM
-Early dismissal. Bumped into some ERG kids and made pilit jokes. Caught up with Gab, one my very few "different" friends. Kelsey caught up with us. I wasn't into talking to any of the people I'm with, although I felt sorry for having to leave Adrian alone for lunch. Apparently, Niera has gastritis so no lunch mate for him. That's semi-sorta-kinda sad. But you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself.

12:00 PM
-Got home and fixed lunch for myself. Got on 9gag after sooo long. Wasted about 45 minutes there. Went down at around 1 to eat lunch. Watched Tree With Deep Roots Episode 19. The political discourse here is amazing. I'm so sad that Prince Gwangpyung had to die. Seo Jun Young, man you are sexy!

2:00 PM
-Went back up after cleaning the dishes. Tidied around the bed area. Sat for around 15 minutes, doing nothing and just thinking. Fell fast asleep before I knew it.

5:00 PM-ish
-Woke up to the tell-tale sound of my phone vibrating. Six new messages. I felt so missed.
-One text was from Inah, greeting me a happy birthday. Probably because I said something like "Magkasunod nga pala ang birthday natin." to her yesterday after the game. I guess she took it literally. Haha. She said she remembered that we celebrated our debuts on the same weekend three years ago (which is true) so she assumed I was born on the 7th. She was so confused. But at least I know Inah cares. I've always thought she kinda hates me because I'm an obnoxious fat ass. In return, I set up our volleyball team to wear purple for her birthday tomorrow. I'll send her a picture of us. :)
-One text was from Mia, asking me where we were as we were supposed to have a meeting with the VISSER Env Sci people. I told her I was not in UP anymore. Turns out, "we" meant "my other thesis groupmates." Well, I'm sorry, I don't know where they are and I don't really care at this moment. Thank you very much.
-Ria also texted. She asked me if I was at WCEL. Without thinking, I replied that I was at the dorm. She asked if she could come by and I told her not to because I was fixing things. It felt bad to lie to her but I really don't want to see anyone today because that's the point of Me Day.
-Other texts include messages from Dawn and Tin. I don't really remember what they were about. :|

5:20 PM
-Finished cleaning up for real. Began preparing spicy chicken yakisoba. While waiting for my yakisoba to cook, I got out and ran some errands. I withdrew money and grabbed some Tiramisu Milk Tea because I need to liquidate my Php 500 bill. Came back to my spicy chicken yakisoba and gobbled it up while finishing the TWDR episode.

7:00 PM-ish
-Went back down to prepare rice. It was eerily quiet downstairs. Seems like I was the only one home. Went back up after. Looked up torrents for Lee So Yeon's movie, "Untold Scandal" which was Les Liaisons Dangereuses set in Joseon Korea. Here's to hoping it would be better than the last Joseon-set movie I watched. @___@

8:30 PM
-Went back down for dinner and a chat with the housemates. Mom also called at around 9:30.

9:55 PM
-Came back up for the final stretch of the night. Text messages came from MJ, Gelo and Lomi asking for a resked of our game tomorrow. So much for the "No social responsibility or outside contact" clause of Me Day. It's so frustrating, this rescheduling shit. And it's all because of one team. I fought so hard to not say sharp words about it because their captain hates me enough already (the feelings are mutual) and I feel sorry for Lomi who has been battered enough.  Anyway, we went back and forth and I figured it was a low-risk game for us so I went, "Why the hell not?" and agreed to the resked. My final shot came as a playful suggestion of putting a quota on the request for reskeds. Because really, guys, I know how really complicated the situation is and I know you work hard and try your best but you should really know that I am annoyed. There is no other reason. I just want to let you know how annoyed I am.

11:00 PM-ish
-Talks on the resked ended around this time. I regret that I was not able to watch a second episode of TWDR. I checked facebook and saw that he has been posting. So much for "Wala kaming net sa bahay." I wished he'd missed me. I just remembered that they should have played a game today and that I promised him I'd watch. Oh well, not that he would lack for an audience. But then their game might have been rescheduled today so whatever. Like I really really cared so so much anyway. (yup that's two really's and 2 so's)

-The whole point of shutting everyone out today was to go back to me. I have been feeling so much ~feelings~ lately because of the people around me that I sometimes forget that I don't have to live and be with them all the time. I can pull away, be happy in my tiny little bubble, out of their reach, out of their mind and out of their spite. Being alone today, everything seems so far away. It's a sort of mini-vacation.  It was really cathartic for me to drop everything. Drop feelings, drop them and all their bullshit. It's just me. What matters today is only me. What I do, what I want, is all that will happen. And once again, I feel like I'm in control of my life. That I'm not just swaying to the music of manipulations and responsibilities. I'm the captain of my ship again and  'tis a great feeling 'yo. :)

1. Believing everyone is taking her for granted.
- For one, you're the only person who has the power to influence people on how they treat you. You're not being taken for granted. You're a martyr. You let it happen. You're always the one catching the fall. You're feeling bad because you let him run away, possibly to be with her, while you're left out in the cold with everybody and their mother's burden. He offered to do it. You should have let him. But no, you're too proud and bitter to be ingratiated to him. So you swallow it all, throw paltry barbs and walk home alone. You trained him to be like this. Stop feeling like you're the victim. It will not work.

2. Forcing herself on people who are possibly disgusted by her.
- He never liked you. He's maybe nice to you but you're pushing it too far. Let go. It will not happen. You heard him. You're not friends. So stop, walk away and stay behind your goddamn fence.

3. Being too hard on herself.
- No one will die if you didn't get the spike in. The world will not stop if you make a mistake. He will not stop loving you if you've done something wrong because he never loved you in the first place. Relax. Everything is fine. There is nothing you can do to impress the people who would never be impressed by you. You're human. Live with it. Good days and bad days. It all happens.

4. Believing that she is unlovable.
- It's hard to believe that somebody will love you despite your obvious character flaws but it is true. Against all logic, there are people who still care for you even if you act like a complete idiot at times. Most of the time however, these people do not include the one you care so much for.

5. Being completely bitter without any right.
- Yes, it is a free world but being bitter is a right. Bitterness is for those who fought through gritted teeth but lost anyway. You do not have any right to be bitter at something you did not fight for. You never fought for him, you never had him. It is not his fault he loves her. It is not her fault that she is loved by him. You have no right to hate them bitterly. He doesnt deserve your bitter act. If anything. be bitter at love because everyday you wake up, you fight for love, you fight to be somebody to be loved.