The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

Dear 'Teh:

Let me be begin by saying that I don't really like you. You're young and green while though I'm not THAT old, I'm wiser and more experienced. Hence, I did not deserve your disrespectful quips. Fine, it was a long time ago. I may have a mild temper, but when you've woken the dragon, the dragon does not forgive easily. You might've thought yourself witty then but you're going to pay for it by enduring my biting sarcasm and petulant attitude towards you. This letter does not have any intention of making peace between us. Just so we're clear.

So, you like a guy? And you want to let go. No, I'm not stalking you. I'd unfollow you on Facebook, you cheap-ass newsfeed spammer. But I had this morbid curiosity about your status messages about that guy you're talking about. I'm not going to ask you about that in real life. You just wish. But seeing that you're still young and I'm wiser in things like this, I feel that you need my wisdom. No, you did not ask me for advice and no, I do not need anything in return. But if you insist, please disappear from the face of the earth. Haha. I am only half kidding. But listen to me darling, I wish you no harm (right now). You will hear this from your friends too one day but I'd say, the earlier, the better.

Once, I was like you. I'd never admit that to myself, much less to other people in real life. But I was once someone like you. I was young, at the threshold of my dreams, starting my life anew. College was heaven except for ES 1 and EEE 11, but it was more or less like heaven. I was 16 going on 17, same age as you, I presume, when I took a tumble, knocked my head on a boulder and began to like someone. I've never seen such sexy broad shoulders. I've never been so mesmerized with a smile. I've never beheld such perfectly ruffled korean boy band hair. Boy, this guy... this guy was it. He got me. You will never know the things I did to catch his attention. All to chase my dream of being worthy in his eyes. But truth is, up to this day, I will never admit to myself that I'd never have his attention. I just won't take any of that "move on, let go" shit. All these years, I kept a part of me hoping that one day, if I do well enough, I can see his eyes smiling at me with pride. That one day, if I achieve enough, I can have his heart. I just wanted to hear him say that I've done well. For so long, I've toiled for that ambition. And perhaps, I would remain a slave to that futile fantasy until I am redeemed from my folly.

I'm glad to say that there may be hope for you, but you have to listen. You said that you want to let go of him. I have no idea of how much willpower you have on your being, but it will take all of that and more to run away. You want to let go? Run away from every chance to meet him. Run fast and run hard. Do not look back. Block him on facebook, ditch your mutual friends. Try to avoid anything that concerns him. You do not want to remember anything you like about him as relapses can occur. A friend of mine once said, "Pag lumayo ka, either makakalimutan mo na sya or mamimiss ka nya at sya na ang maghahabol sayo." Those options are not bad at all. If you cannot avoid him, first, make sure that it he is truly unavoidable. You do not want to fall prey to your made-up excuses. If he is truly unavoidable, minimize your contact. Remember that it is easier to deal with the physical aspect first before the emotional aspect.

Now that you are physically separated from the object of your blind affection, it is time to work on you. Believe me, you will be miserable. One week into the physical separation thing and you will cry yourself to sleep out of sheer loneliness. But you will get used to it. Just stay strong. You would now really need to fill that void in your heart. You can use anything. Acads, family, old and new friends, org work. Just put your whole heart behind it. Get out, find a new hobby, make new friends. Make yourself happy. Indulge in whatever fancy you have (except him of course). You will relapse, you will miss him like shit and think that he's the only guy you longed for that much. But girl, you're going to say that for so much more men in your life. Some of which may actually give a damn about you.

Keep going and your heart will be callused from him. If you can find someone more reachable during that time, so much the better. But seeing that you're not even half as pretty as I dare say I am and with your rather distasteful brand of witty, I'd say your "reachable" is still a long shot. Haha. I'm mean. Oh, but you'll get over it. Anywho, I'd just wouldn't want someone else, no matter how ugly they are, to make the same mistakes as me. I owe the world that much for the lessons it taught me. You know, pass it on things. Maybe one day, I'd come across this letter to you and re-learn this lesson again. Maybe I'll even get to apply it. But for now, you can have these lessons. I'm still trying to figure out how much pain I'll go through as I keep on pinning my heart's hopes on unmoving and unfeeling boulders with really sexy tussled korean boy band hair.

With less love than you think,
Redge