The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

The past two weeks have been so lonely.

They had been interesting, but lonely. The familiar places seem drained of color without some familiar faces. This used to be home and I still feel like this is a homecoming of sorts but without the people, it's like coming home and finding the house dusty and empty.

I think of you as I feel my body ache and creak from too much sitting. I reach down to pick up the pen I dropped and I feel my shoulder slightly slide out from its socket. Pain shoots down from my shoulder to my back. It's been a year and a half since I injured that shoulder and it never fully healed. I remember the automatic concerned look on your face when you see me hold on to it when it gets sore. You feel - because you are, literally - so far away. You're home for the weekend and I'm in a cold classroom two and a half hours away. We're the kind of people who belong in both of these cities. We're the kind of people who knows every mile of the way to and from. The distance has become part of who we are.

We've spent years here together as we adopted this city as our own. Our shared hometown is what brought us together and our experience in this bright, overstimulating city is what kept us together. I left as soon as I can to work close to home while you chose to stay. For the past months, it has been me who waits for you to come home. Sometimes you don't and that's okay because if there's one thing I learned from you, it's that you gotta do what you gotta do and the best thing is to just let you do it. But because you weren't home often, you missed a lot of things I would have loved to share with you. And in those times, in my heart of hearts, I wished you home. I look out of the door and into the busy street and I wished hard for you to come home and walk through that door. You rarely did. I never asked why because I understood. I gotta let you do what you gotta do.

These past weeks, we find ourselves on the reverse sides of the equation and cities. I am away and you are home. You are the only person who knows what I am doing here in this big, bad, city and I know you understand that I gotta do what I gotta do and you'd just have to let me do it. You did not show signs that you would be sad not to see me, just encouragement and support written all over your face. But maybe it wouldn't be too long of a stretch to imagine that maybe you wish me home too; that maybe you'd come along something that you would have wished to share with me and it'll make you wish that I was home. When this happens to you, you'd finally know what it feels for a moment to be half as precious because you don't have someone to share it with.

These past weeks, we did not share the geographical space of any of our cities. I arrive as you leave and I leave as you arrive. We are currently preoccupied with the things we have to do for ourselves. But one thing is for certain. We both wish to be home as soon as we can. We like to be home for as often and as long as we can. I don't know about you but you're now part of the place I call home. Home means spending time with you and our friends. You can't make homes out of human beings - I know. But home is where the heart is and it would seem that I left some part of mine with you.

Well this has been a hell of a week, with the Brexit and all. It feels like departures are all the rage this week.

In the midst of the June 22 Earthquake Drill, a minor, if welcome, tremor shook my life. I received news (from the unlikeliest source) that I got accepted into graduate school. Grad school has always been a "maybe yes, maybe no" thing for me and applying to it was something I did for myself; partly out of spite, partly out of boredom. The moment I saw my name on that website, I felt the proverbial sands shift under my feet. It's like starting UP all over again. Excitement, anxiety, and a whole heck of nervous jitters washed over me like some emotional version of the Ice Bucket Challenge. As I read that acceptance email, I felt like an astral projection, watching over my own body go through a raging torrent and wildly trying to catch up with it. I guess that sums up this week pretty well: Me, watching the world and myself change while desperately trying to catch up and cope with it.

It's not that I want to hold on to the way things were. I just keep stumbling and falling over myself, trying to process the speed of how things change. Going back to the title of this post, it's like the sands shifted and opened up like quicksand and I'm being sucked in at breakneck speed. I am flailing and floundering but I accept that I will continue sinking. It boggles my mind that I somehow feel that I am not the same girl who was sitting on the beach just last week. I am no longer the girl who waxed emotional to her friends over the speakerphone last last Friday night. There's a part in me that is both impressed and alarmed at how my psyche ruthlessly transitioned to a completely foreign state of mind in a matter of days.

Getting into grad school was a trigger for an internal restructure within me that I was barely conscious of. You know when you meet up with a friend and you become aware that something's changed in that friend since the last time you met? Wasn't it a bit disconcerting? Well, that's what I felt last night except that the friend was my own goddamn self. I've always struggled to care less about everything. I just ALWAYS give a shit. But that night, I slipped into indifference like it was a second skin. It bothers me that I did it so effortlessly with ice-queen poise. When did I stop caring, especially for something I've cared for too much before? Could it be that I am now too preoccupied to give a fuck? Is it a win or a loss? Have I finally stopped caring and consequently, saved my sanity in the process? Or have I stopped caring because things are going to shit and I just sorta saw a way out and bailed like the scared little girl that I am?

This is a very schismatic existential moment. For weeks, I wanted a cure for my loneliness and hopelessness. Now that the medicine is before me, I have no doubt that I want it but this was not the way I wanted to go. You can choose closure but you can't always get it the way you want it. Emotions, feeling, and caring keep me feeling alive. It keeps me human. Losing these emotional lines that have been so saving and defining to these years is scaring me. Maybe I was wrong to think I could have it all. That's not far off as it has been a year of wrong assumptions. I just want myself back. I just want to be kind and loving again. But it seems like I can't anymore. In these changing times, I feel that it is time again to harden up and tough it out. I can't seem to find that balance between kindness and honesty; or emotionally available and unflappable. It just doesn't work that way for me. I keep steeling myself against people leaving and relationships changing but the only thing I accomplish is making sure they do. But what was I supposed to do? Hang on until they're clearly not there anymore and ask them to come back for me? I keep telling myself that people always leave until they decide to stay. Even in the arms of these people; even while looking into their eyes and laughing with them; I am so painfully aware that they will someday leave. And somehow, I manage to respond to this awareness with the emotional maturity of a passive-aggressive temper tantrum: I'm leaving you before you leave me. It feels right in a self-righteous, self-saving kind of way but the people I care about always call my bluff and I am left with nothing but my achievements and my intact pride.

Lin-Manuel Miranda posted this poem on his Facebook page:

The world changes. 
The earth spins.
We grieve our losses. 
We eke out wins.

And so the world does. It goes on. It does not stop. I once wrote that Life does not and will not stop for anyone. It does not always go in a pace that I am comfortable with. We win some, we lose some and sometimes it's just all too much. This has been a breakdown that has been so long coming but so gracefully executed. The sun has set on the longest summer day. The smell of summer lingers, the fire trees have yet to flame out, but the rain has come. The past year has been nothing short of amazing and the emotional connections and feelings were nothing short of honest, real and eye-opening. But things have begun changing around here. Life goes on for them, even without me. Life goes on for me, even without them. I know no one can stay in those green plexi courts forever, even if this feels like quickly ripping the band-aid off a very raw wound - it's most painful after the fact but at least that shit's over and done with. To end this long and very rambling emotional breakdown, I again borrow words from my man of the moment, Lin-Manuel Miranda:

Sigue andando el camino por toda su vida
Respira
Y si pierdes mis huellas que dios te bendiga
Respira

Keep walking along the path of life
Just breathe
If you lose your way, God will keep you
Just breathe

Last week, some friends and I were discussing Halloween plans. I had planned to go home to Bulacan to tend to the graves of my maternal grandparents and they made plans to scare the living shit out of our other friends by forcing them to watch horror movies. I heave a sigh of relief knowing that had I been free on Halloween night, I'd probably pretend to man up and join my friends in watching horror movies despite the fact that I'm a big scaredy-cat. While I was congratulating myself for the super advanced planning, a friend, as a jest, brought up the idea of exchanging gifts on Halloween just to give it a unique twist. I love how my friends are always so sharp when it comes to crazy things to do. This idea inspired me to write this entry because who said love letters are only for Valentines' Day anyway? Isn't love also something that brings us sleepless nights, anxiety and a general sense of impending doom? Doesn't love sometimes feel like a scene in the horror movies where the hero wanders in a creepy dark forest, trying to ignore the things that go bump in the night and waiting for the dawn to come? Love sometimes starts out like a horror movie and sometimes, it ends that way too. Point is, love is scary. So maybe falling in love is something you can treat yourself with on the spookiest night of the year.

***

F-S-,

Happy All Hallow's Eve! I hope you have plans for tonight other than showing up to our weekly games. I mention this to spare you the cajoling you would be getting from everybody to join them in watching horror movies. They know you don't like horror movies and if you fall into their trap, they'd be watching every flinch you make, every eyelash you bat and every time you gnash your teeth and you'll never hear the end of it. I'm saying this because I won't be with you tonight. Had I been, I'd be among them, pleading you to watch with us. You know that I hate horror movies. I believe it's unnecessary to add such fear and tension to your life but you know what? I'd sit through a slasher flick with you. I'd sit beside you, shoulders touching ever so slightly as if saying that we're in this together. Trust me, you would feel the anxiety coursing through my body and with that, I hope you'll feel braver. I remember that one time we discussed horror movies and you laughed at my admission that I can't be a strong, independent girl all the damn time. Have you been looking forward to catch me in a vulnerable moment? Well, I'm as vulnerable as it can get when I'm scared shitless. I'm sorry you won't get to see that just yet. But you know what's really scary? Falling in love way too fast and way too hard. HAHAHAHA I know, nice segue, right? But truth be told, I worry that I might be falling for you far too fast, if such a thing is possible. Let's face it, any girl worth her salt will take a good look at you and your accomplishments and would probably fall for you faster than your drop shot. I worry about falling too hard for a guy I barely know, although at this point, I've already shared some of this year's best memories with you. I'm scared of the stupid things I'd say, the stupid things I'd do and the stupid things that I am. The week immediately after our long weekend escape, I was feeling a weird cocktail of emotions but what emerged on top was anxiety. I was scared to fall for a virtual stranger, someone I could not predict or read. Actually, I was scared to fall again, period. As much as I was feeling all the butterflies, I keep looking over my shoulder half-expecting the pin to drop: that you're in love with someone else and I can't have you. Have you ever met someone who has never been afraid of getting their hearts broken? Of course not. So I know this is but natural. However, my hopes have reached dizzying heights at this point. I know I asked for this. I had wanted to be broken by your dimpled smile. I had wanted my heart crushed by your slender, strong hands. But I cannot overcome the dread of being hung out to dry. I dread the day you'll smile sadly at me and try to let me down gently. I mean, for sure I'll survive it. The sky will surely not fall down on that day. But as early as now, I find myself freaking out at the thought. I balk at the imagined sound of my heart shattering once again. There's a tiny seed of doubt that I'd flip out and just lose my chill. What if I just can't take the disappointment anymore? I scare myself with that thought sometimes. Maybe my horror movie is watching you break my heart and seeing myself unable to take it sitting down. Even the thought, I cannot. But I know there is little I can do but live in the now and hold the past close. I still feel your eyes on my face. I still feel your fingers on my back. They are but ghosts of pleasurable sensations but they're all I have for now. I have replayed in my mind the time you smiled and waved goodbye to me so many times, it must've been burned at the back of my skull already. I remember the passenger seat of your car way too many times a day. I live my weeks counting down the hours until I see you again. I'm driving myself crazy trying to push your smiling eyes out of my mind. I couldn't concentrate on anything, dreaming of your smile like a simpering fool. There's just no maturity in these feelings for you. You've managed to turn responsible, adult Redge to bubbly, jumpy, hormonal teenage Redge. You are so many Taylor Swift songs coming true, all at the same time. It was enchanting to meet you. This is a state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight. Sparks fly whenever you smile. You might have me believing that I don't always have to be alone. This slope is treacherous and I like it. All my days I'll know your face and all I know since yesterday is everything has changed. You brought back the color and the candor in my life. You've given me something to hope for. You turned me human again. So darling, can we just stay this way a little while longer? Can't we just stay in this cheesy bubblegum phase of crushness? Allow me to love you a little longer. Let me know you better. I talk a lot but there's just so much more to discover about me. Maybe you'll like me even more. Stay within my heart's reach. Hold me and then slowly let me go. You are my earnest wish and my sincerest prayer. I want you, I really do. Haven't really wanted anyone like this for the ~longest time. But no pressure. Take your time. Let me grow on you for a little bit. Just know that whenever you're ready, I'll be here waiting, wanting, oh so willing and completely yours for the taking. Have a wonderful Halloween, love. See you next week. :)

-R

"It is never romantic to fuck the girl who makes love to her own sadness every single night.”
– Katelin Wagner, “Disappearing Acts (after Miles Hodges)”

I am a lot of things but "rebel" has never been one of them. However, this weekend would be closest I had ever gone to the edge. I spent the night with seven most wonderful friends in a condo in Tagaytay without actual parental consent. I am 23 and has been a model daughter up to this point. I would describe it as my "Rapunzel out her tower for the first time" moment, rapidly alternating between basking in my newfound freedom and bemoaning my delinquency as a daughter. Despite the guilt, it was a great night not because I felt like a legit adult for the first time, but because of the things I've learned, wrapped in a warm blanket while watching dawn trickle over the hills of Tagaytay City.

This weekend, I learned the value of a well-thought out surrender. All our lives, we've been taught to fight on, fight for what we think is right, to never give up the fight. It has always been the first and most romantic option. I had been described as a fighter before and as someone who is ultra-competitive, I take this as high compliment. This has always been encouraged by my stubborn control freak streak. But this weekend, I've learned to surrender a lot of things that I know and did not know I was clutching contentiously.

Surrender to the circumstance
-First of all, I had to give up any measure of control over anything in this trip. It was spontaneous; planned less than 20 hours before we left. There wasn't a lot of time to obsess over how to get there, how to get home, what to bring, etc. There was no time to see things in my head and pick apart imaginary conversations. It took us 4 hours to reach Tagaytay and an hour to find something to eat. There was no way I could get home before the day ends so as much as I was so much close to tears, thinking about how I would find myself locked out of our house with my clothes strewn all over the street, I felt that there was no choice but to resign myself and enjoy the moment. It paid off handsomely and I had a great time, getting to know these people and having fun with them.

Surrender to not being enough
-The hardest part of loving you was finding out how to love you correctly. The hardest part of falling out of love with you is accepting that I never had what it takes to love you the way you want to. It was me against a world of you in which I would never be welcome. I accept that I will never understand you more than you want me to. We will always be friends who are more different than similar. It feels like I'm giving up on you and I'm afraid to admit I have failed as a friend to you. It feels wrong to stop seeking you out when I know you're so lost. I want to be here, I want to find you but I can't lead you out of the woods. I give up on the impossible dream of being enough for you. In this surrender, may I find my peace.

Surrender to your inner vixen
-I have always been so careful when it comes to committing attention to a person I like. I've always wanted to be the mysterious smart girl who seems cold and distant but melts to this bubbly ray of sunshine if you love her enough. I've never had the courage to go further than a smile and hello. But perhaps as an offshoot of the seemingly reckless move to just stay the night, I felt a little more cocky than usual. I felt like I should make the most out of this recklessness and throw around some love. I was not afraid to be a little flirty with the words, be a little cheeky with the smiles and looks. Might be the alcohol but I felt feelings again. I fell out of and in love in a single night. It felt weird at first but I surrendered to the feeling that I want to love again. I want to be smitten all over again. I want butterflies, I want you, Senpai. I even flirted with someone younger than me. It's crazy but I really haven't got my flirting skills dusted in a long time. I don't know what happens next and I don't really care that much. I'll regret this maybe but as I always like to say, "Love seems to mock us at such times, and yet how can we not choose it again and again?"

As per title...

Hi. Gusto ko lang sabihin na ang cute mo. Haha. Alam mo yan. Unang beses palang kitang nakita, nako, nagskip yung puso ko na unti-unti nang nagiging bato nung time na yun. At yang dimple mo, SHET, maliban sa sucker talaga ako sa mga guys na may dimples, dude, ugh, nakakabuo ng araw yung pagngiti mo tas lumalabas yung dimple mo. HAHA. Pero hindi na ko magdu-dwell dun dahil tapos na yun. Oo, alam ko may long time girlfriend ka. At siguro maganda sya. Although napaniginipan kong nameet ko na sya tas panget pala sya. Pero sure akong panaginip lang yun. Ayun. Hindi naman ako mangaahas. Masama yun eh. Pero hindi rin naman kita kakagatin! Nakakaasar na hindi umuubra charms ko sayo. Nice naman ako eh. Diba? I'm a nice girl. *with matching fluttering eyelashes* May common topics naman tayong pwedeng pag-usapan eh. Ayoko nalang ding lapitan ka, kasi feel kong tablado na ko agad sayo kasi ang suplado mo. Hindi ko naman ikamamatay pag hindi mo ko pansinin. That's true. Pero sayang ang natitirang oras natin. Huhu. Iiwan mo na kami for alam mo naman kung saan ka pupunta. Wow sounds familiar ng sentiment. Wala lang. Yun lang. Talk to me when you're ready. Katabi mo lang naman ako. :P

Warm Regards,
Redge <3

I wanted to see you coming and scream your name at the top of my lungs. I wanted to sit beside you and steal glances at you. I wanted to talk to you about everything I've been doing. You don't even have to say a word. I'll just talk and talk. I'd tell you about work and my teammates and our training and what we're doing. I'd ask you bout your work and you would probably say not so much but I wouldn't mind because it's you. I wanted to tell you how much I missed you, how happy I am that you're here and somehow still in my life. I wanted us to be like what we were two long months ago. I wanted to be able to laugh again with you and feel comfortable about my place in your life. I had wanted to hold on to everything. But you've already let go a long time ago.

But I don't want you anymore. I want you too much, I want you terribly so that I don't want you anymore. I don't want to want someone like this. I will push you away, I will stow myself away because I don't want you anymore. I don't want to remember all the nice things anymore. Because I long for them, love. I long for them terribly. So terrible that I feel weak and light-headed like my senses have been clouded. I was doing so well without you. This new world I'm in is wonderful. I don't want you in it anymore because you remind me how remarkably imperfect my world is without your love. It breaks me inside to see you and be reminded of how much I'm missing. I don't want you in my life anymore. It takes so much honesty to admit that to myself but I don't want you anymore. I want to be free of you, of our past, because it's the only way to move forward. I don't want you anymore. If I can't have you, there's no use in wanting you. Especially in this way. I don't want you anymore. No more.

I didn't even say goodbye properly.

I was wearing too-short jumper overalls over my favorite threadbare white shirt. I imagine you saw me disappear from the doorway, half-dragged and half-led by a not-so-gay friend of ours. My right hand held his and I waved at you with the left. I don't think you heard my mumbled goodbye but I do hope you saw me smile my trademark "I'm getting myself into trouble but don't worry about me" grin at you. I could have chosen to wait and go home with you but I thought that I should get used to going home without you walking me to the parking lot.

The last time you saw me was the beginning of the end.

We have a few days left before we're worlds away. The last you'll see of me is one thing that I want you to remember about me. When you think of me, of the girl I was, of the times we spent together, I want you to bring to mind the last moment of me, of that moment when I turned and resolutely stepped out of your life.

I will be wearing that black dress you saw me wear before. Now that I think of it, you saw me wearing that dress while you were with her. How ironic would that be? You would be seeing me disappear into the night, laughing with glitter in my hair. I would be happy and drunk on gin and freedom. You will know how I am when I feel free. I will look into your beautiful brown eyes - they would seem as black as mine in the dark - and I will lie to you. I never loved you; you are just a friend. I promise to try to look genuinely considerate of your feelings but the only thing I will be sorry about is the fact that you will never know because I can never tell.

I will be wearing a long cream dress with our graduation sash now on my left shoulder. We would both be lost in a sea of cream and white, between hugging friends and proud parents. Could we find each other? Let's say we would. You will see a smiling girl with perfumed ringlets cascading down her back. You would see me take pictures with our friends, maybe with you too. I would wish you well on your new job and your life. Perhaps I shall thank you for everything as well. After all, graduation makes everyone cheesy. I will then be called away. I will say my goodbye and spin away from you. The last thing you will sense in my presence is the perfume of my hair and the new hole in your life that used to be filled by me.

"Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again," sang our high school graduating class five years ago. I oft find myself wondering where the good in this goodbye is. Will the world I wanted for myself be better than this world we shared for five years? Whatever happens though, it will be worth a shot. Some would say that this goodbye seems so premature; that we are too young to absolutely say that our time with a person has ended, but I can choose to end this. You were there for my best years. We grew up together. But there is just no good in holding on to you. You can never be mine as I can never be yours. We have become all that we were ever destined to be for each other. This is the best ending we could ever hope for. I will not hold on to the last image of you, as much as I beg you to remember me, because all that I care to remember is here in my heart. This is what I want to feel about you. I will be grateful, not spiteful; fond, not bitter; of everything we've been through. The last image of me that you'll see should tell you that I will be fine, everything will be fine. I will move on and so should you.

The heat beat down on my head as I walk to class. My dermatologist will strangle me senseless if she knew I went walking around without sunblock again. I am grateful for a tiny swirl of wind that rifles through my loose shirt. Yellow blossoms float down, dancing happily with the breeze. The scent is sweet and fragrant, with a hint of earth and wood. It is the aroma of a sunny day, a harbinger of summer. I linger on an open window, taking it all in. The trees are swathed in all colors of their green splendor. The smell of the lush leaves and dry earth assault my senses.

Summer has arrived as we are about to leave. You will soon leave my life as I will soon leave yours, onward to the lives we want for ourselves. I get this weird feeling that my time with you is a two year long summer, and I spent it basking in your eyes and living in the happiness I found with you and your gentle ways. But it has now come to an end. I think of your eyes, your lovely goldenrod eyes, and I feel them warming my face like the morning sun. I will miss this warmth. How ironic it is to have my heart's summer end at the blossoming of the flowers! I never had any problems with goodbyes but I find it so hard to deal with this decrescendo, the waning music of what has never been. Everyone wants the summer to stay and it would be a perfect world if only we could both stay forever. But there are pains I want to let go and sins I want forgiven. When the summer ends, the flowers will have wilted, the leaves fallen and trampled. The only smell and sound will be that of the rain. And rain will wash it all away. All but the memories of happiness, wonder and warmth of one lovely and gay summer day.

Let this day be a day where I will do what I want to do just because I can. So fuck you all and goodbye. At least for today.

February 7, 2013

8:45 AM
-Woke up. Realized that I have 45 minutes left to prepare for my 10 AM class. Resolved to get up at 8:50.

8:55 AM
-Finally got out of bed. There is no turning back.

9:40 AM
-Grabbed my phone, wallet and keys and stuffed them into my tiny bag, the one I use for our impromptu Katips dinners. I cast one last look at my unmade bed and my laptop, dead to the world and free from its sleeve because I was not bringing it to school. I resolved to clean the shit out of my room as soon as I come home some 2 hours later.

10:10 AM
-Arrived at class and the first thing I did was text Justine because it's her birthday today. Tried very hard to listen to Sir, him of the bumbling voice and "divaydibay". Lost concentration at the 40th minute. To be fair, I resolved to study over the weekend. That was already the third resolution of the day.

11:00 AM
-Got my exam. Did not do well. Oh well papel. Thought of going up to the lab. Quickly pushed the thought away.

11:15 AM
-Early dismissal. Bumped into some ERG kids and made pilit jokes. Caught up with Gab, one my very few "different" friends. Kelsey caught up with us. I wasn't into talking to any of the people I'm with, although I felt sorry for having to leave Adrian alone for lunch. Apparently, Niera has gastritis so no lunch mate for him. That's semi-sorta-kinda sad. But you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself.

12:00 PM
-Got home and fixed lunch for myself. Got on 9gag after sooo long. Wasted about 45 minutes there. Went down at around 1 to eat lunch. Watched Tree With Deep Roots Episode 19. The political discourse here is amazing. I'm so sad that Prince Gwangpyung had to die. Seo Jun Young, man you are sexy!

2:00 PM
-Went back up after cleaning the dishes. Tidied around the bed area. Sat for around 15 minutes, doing nothing and just thinking. Fell fast asleep before I knew it.

5:00 PM-ish
-Woke up to the tell-tale sound of my phone vibrating. Six new messages. I felt so missed.
-One text was from Inah, greeting me a happy birthday. Probably because I said something like "Magkasunod nga pala ang birthday natin." to her yesterday after the game. I guess she took it literally. Haha. She said she remembered that we celebrated our debuts on the same weekend three years ago (which is true) so she assumed I was born on the 7th. She was so confused. But at least I know Inah cares. I've always thought she kinda hates me because I'm an obnoxious fat ass. In return, I set up our volleyball team to wear purple for her birthday tomorrow. I'll send her a picture of us. :)
-One text was from Mia, asking me where we were as we were supposed to have a meeting with the VISSER Env Sci people. I told her I was not in UP anymore. Turns out, "we" meant "my other thesis groupmates." Well, I'm sorry, I don't know where they are and I don't really care at this moment. Thank you very much.
-Ria also texted. She asked me if I was at WCEL. Without thinking, I replied that I was at the dorm. She asked if she could come by and I told her not to because I was fixing things. It felt bad to lie to her but I really don't want to see anyone today because that's the point of Me Day.
-Other texts include messages from Dawn and Tin. I don't really remember what they were about. :|

5:20 PM
-Finished cleaning up for real. Began preparing spicy chicken yakisoba. While waiting for my yakisoba to cook, I got out and ran some errands. I withdrew money and grabbed some Tiramisu Milk Tea because I need to liquidate my Php 500 bill. Came back to my spicy chicken yakisoba and gobbled it up while finishing the TWDR episode.

7:00 PM-ish
-Went back down to prepare rice. It was eerily quiet downstairs. Seems like I was the only one home. Went back up after. Looked up torrents for Lee So Yeon's movie, "Untold Scandal" which was Les Liaisons Dangereuses set in Joseon Korea. Here's to hoping it would be better than the last Joseon-set movie I watched. @___@

8:30 PM
-Went back down for dinner and a chat with the housemates. Mom also called at around 9:30.

9:55 PM
-Came back up for the final stretch of the night. Text messages came from MJ, Gelo and Lomi asking for a resked of our game tomorrow. So much for the "No social responsibility or outside contact" clause of Me Day. It's so frustrating, this rescheduling shit. And it's all because of one team. I fought so hard to not say sharp words about it because their captain hates me enough already (the feelings are mutual) and I feel sorry for Lomi who has been battered enough.  Anyway, we went back and forth and I figured it was a low-risk game for us so I went, "Why the hell not?" and agreed to the resked. My final shot came as a playful suggestion of putting a quota on the request for reskeds. Because really, guys, I know how really complicated the situation is and I know you work hard and try your best but you should really know that I am annoyed. There is no other reason. I just want to let you know how annoyed I am.

11:00 PM-ish
-Talks on the resked ended around this time. I regret that I was not able to watch a second episode of TWDR. I checked facebook and saw that he has been posting. So much for "Wala kaming net sa bahay." I wished he'd missed me. I just remembered that they should have played a game today and that I promised him I'd watch. Oh well, not that he would lack for an audience. But then their game might have been rescheduled today so whatever. Like I really really cared so so much anyway. (yup that's two really's and 2 so's)

-The whole point of shutting everyone out today was to go back to me. I have been feeling so much ~feelings~ lately because of the people around me that I sometimes forget that I don't have to live and be with them all the time. I can pull away, be happy in my tiny little bubble, out of their reach, out of their mind and out of their spite. Being alone today, everything seems so far away. It's a sort of mini-vacation.  It was really cathartic for me to drop everything. Drop feelings, drop them and all their bullshit. It's just me. What matters today is only me. What I do, what I want, is all that will happen. And once again, I feel like I'm in control of my life. That I'm not just swaying to the music of manipulations and responsibilities. I'm the captain of my ship again and  'tis a great feeling 'yo. :)

1. Believing everyone is taking her for granted.
- For one, you're the only person who has the power to influence people on how they treat you. You're not being taken for granted. You're a martyr. You let it happen. You're always the one catching the fall. You're feeling bad because you let him run away, possibly to be with her, while you're left out in the cold with everybody and their mother's burden. He offered to do it. You should have let him. But no, you're too proud and bitter to be ingratiated to him. So you swallow it all, throw paltry barbs and walk home alone. You trained him to be like this. Stop feeling like you're the victim. It will not work.

2. Forcing herself on people who are possibly disgusted by her.
- He never liked you. He's maybe nice to you but you're pushing it too far. Let go. It will not happen. You heard him. You're not friends. So stop, walk away and stay behind your goddamn fence.

3. Being too hard on herself.
- No one will die if you didn't get the spike in. The world will not stop if you make a mistake. He will not stop loving you if you've done something wrong because he never loved you in the first place. Relax. Everything is fine. There is nothing you can do to impress the people who would never be impressed by you. You're human. Live with it. Good days and bad days. It all happens.

4. Believing that she is unlovable.
- It's hard to believe that somebody will love you despite your obvious character flaws but it is true. Against all logic, there are people who still care for you even if you act like a complete idiot at times. Most of the time however, these people do not include the one you care so much for.

5. Being completely bitter without any right.
- Yes, it is a free world but being bitter is a right. Bitterness is for those who fought through gritted teeth but lost anyway. You do not have any right to be bitter at something you did not fight for. You never fought for him, you never had him. It is not his fault he loves her. It is not her fault that she is loved by him. You have no right to hate them bitterly. He doesnt deserve your bitter act. If anything. be bitter at love because everyday you wake up, you fight for love, you fight to be somebody to be loved.

*This post was written way back in July. I lost the emotion to finish it but it still holds true, whatever I've written. -redge

"Anong year nyo na po?"
"Fifth year."
"Wow. Nakasurvive po kayo!"

Survive? What did I survive? Electric Circuit Theory? Design Problems? My very first 5.0? EEE Life in general? Freshmen are laughable when they think they know everything. There are people in EEEI who seem to enjoy driving freshmen to death by fear of failing out of EEE.

When I was a freshman, one of our blockhandlers told us that you know you're getting old when the course number of the subjects you're taking have 3 digits already. An orgmate recently declared that once you pass EEE 41, you're already an elder statesman in EEE. By all means, I know I'm old. I don't deny it. But it gives me comfort that I am not the oldest one. *snigger*

We, you and I, we're old. You don't seem to mind. Maybe it's because once you pass your fifth year, you stop counting the years. Haha, sorry to give away your age. But hey, look at us, hanging out back, sticking to the walls, watching those "kids" do their stuff. They'll always be kids to us, won't they? Just like how we'll always be "orgmates" right? Haha. Of course. HA HA. But this ain't so bad. We did well when we were like them. Especially you. You were an outright protege. I preferred to be low-key until recently. Our time has passed. I'm still coming to terms with that but hey, we still have our final hooray. Or do we? Is it OUR final curtain call? Ours as in, yours and mine, together? Is it? I don't feel it, well, I don't feel you anyway.

You've always been an imposing figure to the younger ones, including me. But I've been coming into my own, growing into place. I've always wanted to earn my place among the elder statesmen, my spot with the veterans, with the useful people who made their mark. This may be it, my final place. I had only achieved so much. I don't know if I'd done enough to earn your respect, you never seemed to acknowledge me anyway, but I find solace in the fact that I'd spent the better of my years being productive. There is nothing I regret, except the fact that I never gained your trust. If anything else, I've earned the right to be "old" with you together. I'll find a way to be happy with that. :)

Don't get me wrong. I trust you fully. My trust in you is only exceeded by the trust I have in myself. But I must warn you that I leave my phone around all the time. Your job is to fight the urge to push that unlock button and flip through my phone and stop others from doing so.

I hope you understand. I have pictures of you on my phone. I still have that group picture on the grass two years ago. I took pictures of you last week. I mean, I took pictures of everyone last week but you're the only one with the solo shots. In fairness, you can't fit in the frame with them so you had to go solo. I also downloaded to my phone some of our nicer pics together. Just so I can look at them when I feel sad...

and most importantly...

My lock screen features a picture of us together.

So please, for the love of your girlfriend don't push that unlock button under any circumstance.

Don't go rifling into my inbox too. You'll see the sweet text messages between me and my girl friends. You might think of me as a lesbian. Or confirm that to you. I'm as straight as a ruler by the way, just so you know. You might also come across our conversations where I detail our moments together and how I refer to these times as "dates." Embarrassing stuff, really. So whatever you do, keep away from my phone. Unless you want to spend one awkward semester with me. But I'm probably the one who couldn't stand that so I might just end up killing myself. So there, your options.

While we're at it, I trust you not to touch my logged in Facebook account. I know I get careless sometimes and leave my account logged in on your laptop. Kindly just click the log out button for me. I will love you more if you do. Don't go sniffing about my message inbox because I post our cute pictures in messages to my friends. I confess to my lack of guilt about wanting you. And there's also that other guy I talk about with them. You might get the shock of your life if you knew who that was. So for your sanity, please do what I say.

Finally, don't go rummaging in my downloads folder. PLEASE. PLEASE. There's an entire folder of stolen pics that I haven't had the time to hide. Most of them, pictures of guys, including you. But in fairness to me, I just download pictures that I'm in as well. I'm not yet that creepy stalker type. I have more self-respect and pride than you think. But still, our "couple shots" are there. It's too glaring to not notice.

Know that I'm saying this for you too. We need to work together without a hitch in the coming months. We don't need unnecessary stuff (ie my feelings for you) to come between us. It just cheers me up to have reminders of having somebody like you. Somebody who just makes me feel good about myself, someone who I trust, someone who is so easy and light to talk to. That's just you. That's the best thing about you.

It hit me in the midst of indecisiveness, unkempt thesis notes and uncapped pens.

I am done with cold, hard, passive men.

I am done with men of few words. I am over men who are as cool (or as cold, depending on the context) as ice inside and outside. I have suffered enough of men who refuse to take control, of men I can bull over. I am tired of men who are not man enough to make decisions for themselves. Meaning, I am done with nearly all the men I have ever loved in my life. :x

I have always been a sucker for silent, brooding, mysterious men. I fancy them going all out of their shell for me. I longed to stir the passion in some quiet guy. Hey, it happened in the movies and to people I know! But again, they're the exception and I'm the rule. It doesn't mean that I'm going for noisy loud guys now. Some are noisy but hollow and some that are quiet are not what they seem. The point is, some guys just don't have fire in them. They're all water, going with the flow, conforming to the norm - silent waters running deep.

I've always been the fiery, feisty type typical to people who like the color red. If I was not a brunette, I guess I would be a redhead; strawberry blonde, kissed by fire. I admit I don't have much of the fierce redhead temper but I burn when I feel passionate about something, when I'm in control of things and they turn out the way I want them to. That's right, Katy Perry, I'm a firework.

You know that bit about how opposites truly attract? There are some documented cases of  it happening to people but it's only forever true for magnets, electrons, holes and EEE 23. I thought attraction, relationships and finding "The One" were like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces interlocking flawlessly. But I guess it should be more like a painting, blending the paint and applying it to the canvas to make a masterpiece. It's more about melding together than completing each other.

I've always thought that I'd hit it off with cold men, that my warmth would be enough for the both of us. But I'm not as convinced now. Maybe it should be that my warmth should ignite his passions. After all, two fires are warmer than one. Come on, for Christ's sake. Argue with me (reasonably), take over, show me who's boss, tell me what to do, push for your idea. subdue me, dominate me. Really. You have to be man enough to do that to me. I have to respect you enough. To have a power over me, I have to allow you. And I realize, it takes balls bro, and personality and reason and smarts and fire. :D

"Hello! Kamusta ka na, bitchesa?"
"Hello! Anong class mo?"
"Hello! Aurellano Residence, sino po sila?"

Do you ever ask yourself why you say hello to people? I never did. It's a normal knee-jerk reaction to seeing people I know and getting their attention. Is it not the same for all people? Do you guys think of why you're saying hello to the person who's calling you on the phone? You'd undoubtedly shout and wave your arms about when you see a long time friend but you would have qualms about making eye contact and saying hi to a classmate in a forgettable GE course. Usually, when we approach people or when people approach us, we'd rather ask ourselves if we have the right to greet them. Whether or not we're on "saying hello" terms already. I guess this "right" is like a synthesis of all the reasons we have to say hello. We're just thinking on that higher level. But go down with me, why say hello to people? What makes you decide that it's okay to say hi?

I usually don't have much issues with people who feel close to me even if I barely remember their names. I like the attention and the connection, even if it never really lasts. I go with the flow and assume it's okay to feel close to them too. Having said that, I guess you don't have to mean much to me to be on "hello" terms. However, there are times when I just couldn't get myself to say hello to some people. Usually men. Cases in point: A Math 17 and ES 11 classmate that we keep running into but always pretend to not recognize (But it's probably because he looks like a horse. Don't judge us like we judged him), Little Gab from Miss Engg, who I frequently ride on the same jeeps with, my former professors. They're definitely not in my HelloZone. Needless to say, after all the judging, we never really got around to talking to that classmate. A momentary burst of hormonal high saw me take a picture with Gab. Saying hi to professors has been so high school. It's a logical AND moment here. If there's a reason NOT to say hello, the whole equation turns to zero.

Does that mean that the people you don't say hello to basically don't exist in your life? If they don't matter enough to say hello to you, or for you to greet them with a smile or a wave, do you even have to care further? Of course that's a shallow, baseless and inconsiderate thought. It's like throwing away white gold because it's not yellow. But when people you cherish, people you love, people who would always matter in your heart stop recognizing you, go on with their lives without you, the fact that they don't say hello anymore hits you with the impact of an atomic bomb. For sure, we tend to blow things out of proportion when it's about people we love. A thousand probable, reasonable excuses are readily available but we're having none of them. Something's changed, we insist to ourselves. Our friends tell us that we're just losing our marbles and going way overboard with the little things. I've never quite understood why couples fight over things such as a non-existent smiley at the end of a text or a date rescheduled. But I guess, the little things are on to something sometimes.

"Say goodbye when there's no longer a reason to say hello." Don't go ahead and judge the quote superficial. If there's no more reason to say hello, a connection is lost. Maybe he's not who you thought he was or maybe she's not as interested in what you're doing. Maybe he's not seeing that future with you anymore. Maybe she feels you've overstayed your welcome. When there's nothing to say, even hello, know that whatever you have, it's falling apart. If it's pride that's keeping you from bridging the gap, if it's shame or hate or anger, it feels like you've lost your direct line to each other. It doesn't even have to be words. A gentle touch, a moment when your eyes just meet and stare at each other. Little things that keep you holding on, like magic tape on wall cracks. If it's not there, maybe there's nothing anymore.

When it's like he's not even there, when it's like you're the strangest stranger, when he looks at you as if you're peeling wallpaper, when you see him coming and you meet his eyes and they're as cold as ice and all you can do is turn away, when you can sit beside each other for hours and feel like a thousand worlds apart, when you lean your head towards his shoulder and hold it in the air for a moment, pretending to feel something, when you're tired and drained as you wrestle with depression all day, when you feel like there are so many words to say but you do not want to talk or when you feel that you do not even really know him after all this time, there's suddenly no reason to say hello. Then maybe it's time to hit the button, go ahead, close the door and say goodbye.

...we haven't spoken to each other since... March. LOL. That's so you and me ('cause there's no us, motherfucker)

...it feels terrible to be inches from you, faking indifference and hiding the frustration.

...I think this is our last chance of working together. But you're not working. So again, just me and them, not you.

...I still wonder who you were thinking of when I caught you staring at a distance the other day.

...I have forgiven you for leaving our committee. Thank you for taking that step out of my life.

...fuck you, di ka pumasok last Monday.

...fuck you twice, BUDDY KO YAN. If it's him that you need, fine. But I still hate it when he goes "OMG ang bait ni Kuya!" You're so nice to him but no, never to me. Haha. 'Cause that's you and you hate me! Right?

...I have no expectations of the last sem and a half left to us. I used to have illusions of beating the clock but then, the bastard that you are.

...I will not, in any case, go to your place again. So much hopes, so much disappointment.

...ambabaw mo, frame lang yun eh. Agit ka masyado. Super OA max.

...speaking of which, you can shove that AVP up yo hairy ass. I don't need to see myself there.

...still in the topic of AVP's, remember that AVP where we all wore red and you and I stood side by side? Yeah that one where you were in the opening frame? FUCK THAT AVP TO HELL. I don't want to see it ever. Reminds me of the things I do for you.

...oh but I still do it for you. Everything I do. For you.

...I'd rather see you bald (or dead) than see you in your newly dyed hair. It reminds me of my freshie days and your smile and your gay Korean boyband hair and how things between us really just couldn't change after all this time. :)

That night was balmy at best. I remember riding an ikot jeep, sticking my head a little bit outside the window, allowing the wind whip through my hair. I thought I could shake my silly thoughts off that way. How dare I think of one day being in your place. How could I imagine you standing there, smiling at me and handing over whatever symbol of your office you think of. How can I even dare fantasize about the speech I will give as I hand over to you my token of appreciation. Silly Girl. You will never be worthy of his place. You are not his heir. What is your problem? You never aspired that before. Is it because he holds it now and you want to impress him still? I smiled at my folly and shook my head all the way home. I know that I am not the person for those kind of things. Politics. I'd rather be a quiet citizen of the world. It's just that I'm too crazy for you that I'm imagining myself to take up your place one day. Just a crazy bitch, crazy in love.

That day was hot and hectic. I remember the dust mites dancing in the afternoon light. I remember your eyes looking into mine and asking me if I would. Oh hell no. I couldn't believe you just said that but there was no way I could say yes. I'm not ready for this. I told myself that you really didn't want me to. That you were just kind and so that people will say that you gave me a fair chance. I believed that will all my heart and resented you for it. It was your fault I'm not ready. You never trusted me even as I supported you all the way. You did not understand that the reason why I am here was because I wanted you to know that I can do it. You said that I can do it, that you believed in my ability. I called you bluff. Can you blame me? I waited a year for you to say it. How could you say that just now? Where were you in my shining moments? You never saw my work. You didn't care. How can you say you believe in me? What is this crazy bullshit?

Even though I decided not to take you up on your offer that afternoon, I have resolved from that day on, that I will be ready the next time you asked me. I have been waiting. I have been waiting for you to give me that chance again. It depressed me that you weren't showing any signs. Actually, I feel that you have been avoiding me. Maybe you didn't want me anymore, maybe you wanted me to make that decision myself, maybe you were just biding your time, maybe you just couldn't show any partiality towards me, maybe you have rejection issues too. A heap of maybes. Useless maybes. I now realize that it didn't matter. Two years ago, that afternoon, they don't matter anymore. It's all up to me. Right now, am I ready for this? A year ago, I had to have you say it but right now, who needs your word when all the proof that I need, I have given myself. Of all the things that I have done... I wanted to believe I was doing it for the org but I still catch myself doing it for you but that doesn't matter too. I have done something. I have it in me, that I know. Doesn't matter for whom or for what. I have what it takes. No one can ever say otherwise. That being said, you know I really truly and honestly meant it with all my heart.

It took me all my courage (and a good chunk of my hair) to rise up to this challenge. I had wanted you to give me that extra boost, that extra spring in my step but it was already past time to realize that you will not lend yourself as an inspiration. If I do this, I'll do this at least for myself and certainly not for or because of you. I had to bite that bullet. But who needs your crappy endorsement? So yes, I'm running for Executive Vice President. So yes, I'm coming after you even if it means facing off with a friend. A very dear friend. Not to say that our friendship will be affected, but I know the sacrifices and capabilities of my friend and to go up there and ask people to see me as a better choice, I find that heavy in my heart. I feel I'm at a disadvantage but I don't know what will happen. Goddamit, I don't even care about what will happen.

So I guess this is not about you anymore, isn't it? It's about me and my organization. My family for the past three years. This is not a battle for your affection but rather, a debt that I must pay. For the love, the friendships and the experiences. None of which you ever gave me, by the way. ;)

Phase I: Enchanted
- "I'll spend forever wondering if you knew // I was enchanted to meet you."
- "Please don't be in love with someone else."
-Honeymoon phase. Eto yung phase na shet, cute ka (parin) pala. Yung araw na nakilala ko sya, yung birthday ko sa sunken garden, yung gabi na YUN, yung miyerkules na magkasama kaming dalawa. Eto yung phase kung saan nagsisimula yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya (uli). Fanning the flames, ika nga. Eto yung tuwang-tuwa ako kanya at kung ano ano ang nasasabi ko, kagaya ng, "Magtitino na ko para sa kanya." at "Sya na to, kahit ano gagawin ko para sa kanya."

Phase II: Fearless
- "I don't know why but with you I'll dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless."
- Simula ng katangahan. Kahit anong ipagawa mo sakin, basta sabihin mo (actually kahit hindi, kung maisip ko) na matutuwa sya, pucha, kakaririn ko. Gusto mo kong magbiyahe ng apat na oras sa gitna ng bakasyon para utusan lang? Tangina ka. Pero kung sa tingin ko eh baka ikatuwa nya yun. puta, kahit araw araw! Ganun. Well, ganun nagsimula. Basta ang mindset ko lang nun, magpapacute, magpapakabait, magpapakabibo at magpapaka-achiever ako, kahit ano basta mapansin nya ko.

Phase III: Tell Me Why
- "I need you like a heartbeat but I know you got a mean streak."
- After kong mahaggard, mastress at mawindang sa pagiging achiever ko, syempre titignan ko kung ano ang effect sa kanya. Natuwa ba sya? Ang problema, 99 times out of 100, deadma lang sya. Tas yung one time, saktong 3 words lang yung sasabihin nya sa kin. Syempre BV ako. Sarap nyang sapakin, kung hindi ko lang sya talaga mahal na mahal. Sobrang, "Pakyu ka manong! Pakamatay buwis buhay na ko dito! Pwedeng mapansin ako. Pwede talaga!" Yun yung feeling nyan. Feeling ko din na baka kulang pa ang pagaalay ng kaluluwa, pagkatao at virginity mo sa kanya para mapansin ka nya. Inisip ko na gayumahin na lang sya. Or baka ipakulam na ng tuluyan. Pero alam kong mahal ko parin sya.

Phase IV: Come In With The Rain
- "I'll leave my window open, cause I'm too tired to call your name // Just know I'm right here hoping that you'll come in with the rain."
- Eto yung phase na haggard, stressed at windangerz ka na talaga. Physically and emotionally. Eto yung outright ko na talaga syang minumura, "Tangina nyang gago sya. Manhid ang puta! Mamamatay syang KJ at forever alone!" Tangina nya talaga. Pero alam ko na kaya ko pang higitan ang sarili ko. Alam kong kaya ko pang mas mahaggard, mastress at mawindang. Pero yoko na rin. Quits na. Wala namang naidudulot eh. Dito ko narealize na kung para sya sakin, kahit ano ako, tatanggapin nya ko. Naisip ko na siguro, okay naman na yung nagawa ko. Hayaan ko nalang sya naman ang lumapit. Abangerz mode izz on.

Phase V: You're Not Sorry
- "This is the last straw. Don't want to hurt anymore // You can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you baby."
- So okay, nagkaugat na ko kakaabang na lumapit sya at magparamdam. Habang patuloy kong pinapatunayan ang sarili ko sa kanya, unti-unti ko nang nararamdaman ang futility of it all. Eto yung seryosong naka-capslock na "PUTANG INA. AYOKO NA! PAGOD NA KO! TANGINA KA RIN! PAKYU!!"
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻  Nagsisimula na kong mafrustrate at magalit at maasar. Ayoko na syang makita, mainly because naiisip ko kung ano pa ang kulang sakin para mahalin nya din ako. Seryosong BV na ko dito. Pero wala parin akong nakukuhang reaksyon sa kanya. Ang hirap magmahal ng tarantadong kagaya nya.


Phase VI: Haunted
- "Don't leave me like this. You're all I wanted."
- After kong magalit at maasar, maiisip ko na, fuck, lahat ng ginawa ko na yun, para yun sa kanya eh. Tas ngayong galit ako sa kanya, pano na. Ano na ang silbi ko sa universe? Anong meaning nung mga maaaccomplish ko kung wala naman akong aalayan nun diba? Anong meaning ng mga naaccomplish ko? Wala, empty, meaningless things nalang sila ngayon. Suddenly, gusto ko pang kumapit. Gusto ko pang magmakaawa sa kanya. Ano ba ang kailangan kong gawin para mahalin nya din ako? Parang hindi ko ata kakayanin na mawala sya. Sya yung naging rason para sa lahat ng ginagawa ko. Pano na kung wala sya. Oh nuuuu~

Phase VII: Last Kiss
- "All that I know is that I don't know how to be something you'll miss."
- Narealize ko na kung gaano kadependent sa attention nya ang buhay ko. Kung akala mo nakaka-emo na yun, well mas malala yung isang araw na nagising ako at napaisip, "Kung mawala kaya ako sa buhay nya, ano kaya magiging reaksyon nya? Mamimiss kaya nya ko? Malalaman ba nya na nawala ako?" Ang masaklap dyan, alam kong ang sagot dun ay "Wala. Hindi. Baka hindi." Sobrang nakakadepress yung thought na yun. Yung ikaw, nabuhay ka para sa kanya pero ikaw, gabutil ng buhangin lang ang halaga mo sa buhay nya. Ang sarap magpakamatay. Buti hindi ako ganung klaseng tao. Pero seryoso, kinakain ng lungkot lahat ng saya ko sa katawan tuwing naiisip ko ito noon.

Phase VIII: White Horse
- "I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale."
- Haha. Ang simula ng recovery. ARM. Admission, Regrets and Moving on. Admission. Kinailangan kong tanggapin na, oh well papel. Hindi sya eh. Hindi naman to Angel Locsin movie. It's the real motherfuckin world! May mga heartbreaks ka talagang pagdadaanan. Minsan, ikaw ang babayo at magsasaing pero iba ang kakain. All's fair in love and war at kung ano ano pang cliche para majustify ang kabiguan ko. Pero at least tanggap ko na na nabigo ako. Hindi ko na niloloko yung sarili ko na may pag-asa pa. Hindi nga naman ito fairy tale. Ganun talaga. Haaayz.

Phase IX: Picture To Burn
- "As far as I'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn."
- Eto yung wildgirl promiscuity prone phase ko. A girl has to move on! At para makapagmove on, kailangan kong matutunan to take him with a grain of salt. Sows, the bitch ain't holding me down! Syempre manghihinayang ka sa oras na sinayang mo sa kanya, pero well, tangina nya! Hahaha! Eto yung reverse bittering phase. Naalala ko lang lahat ng mga bagay na ayaw ko sa kanya (eg, masyado syang maliit, yung boses nya galing sa ilalim ng lupa, yung mukha nyang mukhang mangga etc) at maiisip ko rin yung mga bagay na naging okay dahil hindi kami nagkatuluyan (eg hindi kami magkakaanak ng chinese nigger, mahirap maging legal sa parents namin etc) Galit parin ako sa kanya pero ineenjoy ko nalang, hindi ko kinikimkim at hinahayaang makaapekto sa kung ano mang natira sa buhay ko.

Phase X: The Other Side Of The Door
- "When I left, I wanted you to chase after me."
- Ano yung sabi mo? "I hate that you're perfectly fine without me." Well . Medj. Kinda. Sorta. Sige oo na nga. Kahit na napapadalas kong niyuyurakan ang pagkatao para makalimutan ka, may konting parte parin sakin na umaasa na mali ako, na hindi ka ganung klaseng tao, na baka naman may pag-asa pa ko sa puso mo.  Kaya kita iniiwasan kasi gusto kong makita kung babalikan mo ko. Abang-abang uli. Baka magmilagro si St. Jude.

Phase XI: The Story Of Us
- "I'm dying to know, is it killing you, like it's killing me?"
- Hindi ako pasensyosong tao, lalo na sa mga walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay na kagaya nya. Hindi ako maghihintay ng matagal para magkaroon sya ng lakas ng loob para habulin ako. Hindi rin ako humble na tao. Nagkakaroon ako ng kaaway dahil sa pride ko. Sa phase na to, pride nalang talaga ang pinanghahawakan ko eh. Habang hindi nya ko pinapahalagahan, hindi ako aamin sa kahinaan. Hindi ko parin ipapakita na mahal ko sya. As far as he's concerned, deadma ako sa kanya. Hindi ko mapanindigan sa sarili ko na hindi ko na sya mahal, kaya kahit yung ibang tao, kasama na sya, ay maloko ko man lang. Hindi ako aamin na sya ang kahinaan ko. Pero ang totoo, nangangati parin ako upang gumawa ng paraan para mahalin mo ko uli. Tamang tyempo, tamang timpla ng mood mo, baka may pag-asa na uli tayo.

Phase XII: Sparks Fly
- "My mind forgets to remind me you're a bad idea."
- Isang araw, isang hapon, isang gabi, isang oras. Kahit gaano katagal, basta may mangyaring magpapaalala sa akin ng mga bagay na minahal ko sa kanya. Pag nahuli ako ng nakababa ang depensa, fuck, eto nanaman. Lalabas nanaman na kahinaan ko sya. Mahinang mahina talaga ako pagdating sa kanya. At dahil yun sa tuwa at ibang ligayang nararamdaman ko kapag kasama ko sya, kapag nakakabiruan, kapag nakakatrabaho. Babalik na tayo uli sa Phase I. Haaaay Kamote.

Dear 'Teh:

Let me be begin by saying that I don't really like you. You're young and green while though I'm not THAT old, I'm wiser and more experienced. Hence, I did not deserve your disrespectful quips. Fine, it was a long time ago. I may have a mild temper, but when you've woken the dragon, the dragon does not forgive easily. You might've thought yourself witty then but you're going to pay for it by enduring my biting sarcasm and petulant attitude towards you. This letter does not have any intention of making peace between us. Just so we're clear.

So, you like a guy? And you want to let go. No, I'm not stalking you. I'd unfollow you on Facebook, you cheap-ass newsfeed spammer. But I had this morbid curiosity about your status messages about that guy you're talking about. I'm not going to ask you about that in real life. You just wish. But seeing that you're still young and I'm wiser in things like this, I feel that you need my wisdom. No, you did not ask me for advice and no, I do not need anything in return. But if you insist, please disappear from the face of the earth. Haha. I am only half kidding. But listen to me darling, I wish you no harm (right now). You will hear this from your friends too one day but I'd say, the earlier, the better.

Once, I was like you. I'd never admit that to myself, much less to other people in real life. But I was once someone like you. I was young, at the threshold of my dreams, starting my life anew. College was heaven except for ES 1 and EEE 11, but it was more or less like heaven. I was 16 going on 17, same age as you, I presume, when I took a tumble, knocked my head on a boulder and began to like someone. I've never seen such sexy broad shoulders. I've never been so mesmerized with a smile. I've never beheld such perfectly ruffled korean boy band hair. Boy, this guy... this guy was it. He got me. You will never know the things I did to catch his attention. All to chase my dream of being worthy in his eyes. But truth is, up to this day, I will never admit to myself that I'd never have his attention. I just won't take any of that "move on, let go" shit. All these years, I kept a part of me hoping that one day, if I do well enough, I can see his eyes smiling at me with pride. That one day, if I achieve enough, I can have his heart. I just wanted to hear him say that I've done well. For so long, I've toiled for that ambition. And perhaps, I would remain a slave to that futile fantasy until I am redeemed from my folly.

I'm glad to say that there may be hope for you, but you have to listen. You said that you want to let go of him. I have no idea of how much willpower you have on your being, but it will take all of that and more to run away. You want to let go? Run away from every chance to meet him. Run fast and run hard. Do not look back. Block him on facebook, ditch your mutual friends. Try to avoid anything that concerns him. You do not want to remember anything you like about him as relapses can occur. A friend of mine once said, "Pag lumayo ka, either makakalimutan mo na sya or mamimiss ka nya at sya na ang maghahabol sayo." Those options are not bad at all. If you cannot avoid him, first, make sure that it he is truly unavoidable. You do not want to fall prey to your made-up excuses. If he is truly unavoidable, minimize your contact. Remember that it is easier to deal with the physical aspect first before the emotional aspect.

Now that you are physically separated from the object of your blind affection, it is time to work on you. Believe me, you will be miserable. One week into the physical separation thing and you will cry yourself to sleep out of sheer loneliness. But you will get used to it. Just stay strong. You would now really need to fill that void in your heart. You can use anything. Acads, family, old and new friends, org work. Just put your whole heart behind it. Get out, find a new hobby, make new friends. Make yourself happy. Indulge in whatever fancy you have (except him of course). You will relapse, you will miss him like shit and think that he's the only guy you longed for that much. But girl, you're going to say that for so much more men in your life. Some of which may actually give a damn about you.

Keep going and your heart will be callused from him. If you can find someone more reachable during that time, so much the better. But seeing that you're not even half as pretty as I dare say I am and with your rather distasteful brand of witty, I'd say your "reachable" is still a long shot. Haha. I'm mean. Oh, but you'll get over it. Anywho, I'd just wouldn't want someone else, no matter how ugly they are, to make the same mistakes as me. I owe the world that much for the lessons it taught me. You know, pass it on things. Maybe one day, I'd come across this letter to you and re-learn this lesson again. Maybe I'll even get to apply it. But for now, you can have these lessons. I'm still trying to figure out how much pain I'll go through as I keep on pinning my heart's hopes on unmoving and unfeeling boulders with really sexy tussled korean boy band hair.

With less love than you think,
Redge

So yeah, I'm thinking of getting a new jersey! (I still have to pretend that I know how to play ultimate frisbee to get it. XD) Despite being a self-loving bitch, I think that the most important thing in a jersey, aside from the names at the front and back, is the number. The jersey number says a lot about the player so as a rule, that number should mean something for the player. It is also essential that you have a jersey number that is permanent for all your jerseys because that would make your jersey collection a little bit more awesome. You should also think of an equally awesome replacement number in case someone else beats you to your first number. So here I am, wasting time that should be for sleeping, making this list of numbers that I can put on my next jerseys :)

1 - "Number 1, every one should know, check this out!"~ Haha The Boys! :P
2 - Le Birthday, Birth Month and the last digit of le Birth Year :P
3 - Favorite single digit number. And I've never worn it before :)
4 - Just cause I have a number 4 jersey and it looks okay naman :)
7 - CR7! Cristiano Ronaldo FTW!
8 - My luckiest number. :P
11 - 2 number ones! 3 in binary! lolol
15 - Wesley Gonzales' jersey number. Chris Tiu's birthday.
17 - CHRIS TIU! KaRegInna anniv :P
21 - Kwon Yuri! <3
22 - Just cause I was born on Feb. 2 = 02/02
23 - My favorite number! :)
24 - Choi SooYoung! <3
26 - Birthday ni MG  ERASE ERASE ERASE
27 - Wesley Gonzales' birthday :P
36 - Used to like this number alot :P
45 - XB #2's IEC jersey number. "OMG, we have the same number! We're so meant to be!" hihihi~
53 - ohohoh. As in EEE 53, the "Revenge Of The Sith" subject. =))

Beyond math, sometimes numbers say more than letters. Letters can fully articulate what an event means to you but when you associate an event with a number, like monthsaries, anniversaries and birthdays, it just takes a random occurrence of that number to bring that event flooding back into your memory. Maybe it's just me and my frustrated mathematician weirdness, but when I come across numbers in exams or in car license plates, I remember the various people, things and events that I associate with those numbers.

Beyond math and Rayton's "1 + 1 = 0" theory, we can also assign values or rather, variable feelings to numbers. I like 22 because that's my birthday but I remember that it was also the 22nd of January that I realized that I have feelings for the comebacking l'amour d'hier (pwedeng CLADH for short? HAHAHA). 22 is a bit bittersweet because of that. Same goes with 26. My beloved bombastarr friend Karla was born on a 26th and so is CLADH. Ondoy happened on September 26. I guess this is what makes a number "good" or "bad" for me. Depending on what feeling surfaces when I come across that number.

Letters and numbers. I guess that's how you can describe my world. :P