The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

I didn't even say goodbye properly.

I was wearing too-short jumper overalls over my favorite threadbare white shirt. I imagine you saw me disappear from the doorway, half-dragged and half-led by a not-so-gay friend of ours. My right hand held his and I waved at you with the left. I don't think you heard my mumbled goodbye but I do hope you saw me smile my trademark "I'm getting myself into trouble but don't worry about me" grin at you. I could have chosen to wait and go home with you but I thought that I should get used to going home without you walking me to the parking lot.

The last time you saw me was the beginning of the end.

We have a few days left before we're worlds away. The last you'll see of me is one thing that I want you to remember about me. When you think of me, of the girl I was, of the times we spent together, I want you to bring to mind the last moment of me, of that moment when I turned and resolutely stepped out of your life.

I will be wearing that black dress you saw me wear before. Now that I think of it, you saw me wearing that dress while you were with her. How ironic would that be? You would be seeing me disappear into the night, laughing with glitter in my hair. I would be happy and drunk on gin and freedom. You will know how I am when I feel free. I will look into your beautiful brown eyes - they would seem as black as mine in the dark - and I will lie to you. I never loved you; you are just a friend. I promise to try to look genuinely considerate of your feelings but the only thing I will be sorry about is the fact that you will never know because I can never tell.

I will be wearing a long cream dress with our graduation sash now on my left shoulder. We would both be lost in a sea of cream and white, between hugging friends and proud parents. Could we find each other? Let's say we would. You will see a smiling girl with perfumed ringlets cascading down her back. You would see me take pictures with our friends, maybe with you too. I would wish you well on your new job and your life. Perhaps I shall thank you for everything as well. After all, graduation makes everyone cheesy. I will then be called away. I will say my goodbye and spin away from you. The last thing you will sense in my presence is the perfume of my hair and the new hole in your life that used to be filled by me.

"Goodbyes are not forever, goodbyes are not the end. They simply mean I'll miss you, until we meet again," sang our high school graduating class five years ago. I oft find myself wondering where the good in this goodbye is. Will the world I wanted for myself be better than this world we shared for five years? Whatever happens though, it will be worth a shot. Some would say that this goodbye seems so premature; that we are too young to absolutely say that our time with a person has ended, but I can choose to end this. You were there for my best years. We grew up together. But there is just no good in holding on to you. You can never be mine as I can never be yours. We have become all that we were ever destined to be for each other. This is the best ending we could ever hope for. I will not hold on to the last image of you, as much as I beg you to remember me, because all that I care to remember is here in my heart. This is what I want to feel about you. I will be grateful, not spiteful; fond, not bitter; of everything we've been through. The last image of me that you'll see should tell you that I will be fine, everything will be fine. I will move on and so should you.

The heat beat down on my head as I walk to class. My dermatologist will strangle me senseless if she knew I went walking around without sunblock again. I am grateful for a tiny swirl of wind that rifles through my loose shirt. Yellow blossoms float down, dancing happily with the breeze. The scent is sweet and fragrant, with a hint of earth and wood. It is the aroma of a sunny day, a harbinger of summer. I linger on an open window, taking it all in. The trees are swathed in all colors of their green splendor. The smell of the lush leaves and dry earth assault my senses.

Summer has arrived as we are about to leave. You will soon leave my life as I will soon leave yours, onward to the lives we want for ourselves. I get this weird feeling that my time with you is a two year long summer, and I spent it basking in your eyes and living in the happiness I found with you and your gentle ways. But it has now come to an end. I think of your eyes, your lovely goldenrod eyes, and I feel them warming my face like the morning sun. I will miss this warmth. How ironic it is to have my heart's summer end at the blossoming of the flowers! I never had any problems with goodbyes but I find it so hard to deal with this decrescendo, the waning music of what has never been. Everyone wants the summer to stay and it would be a perfect world if only we could both stay forever. But there are pains I want to let go and sins I want forgiven. When the summer ends, the flowers will have wilted, the leaves fallen and trampled. The only smell and sound will be that of the rain. And rain will wash it all away. All but the memories of happiness, wonder and warmth of one lovely and gay summer day.

Let this day be a day where I will do what I want to do just because I can. So fuck you all and goodbye. At least for today.

February 7, 2013

8:45 AM
-Woke up. Realized that I have 45 minutes left to prepare for my 10 AM class. Resolved to get up at 8:50.

8:55 AM
-Finally got out of bed. There is no turning back.

9:40 AM
-Grabbed my phone, wallet and keys and stuffed them into my tiny bag, the one I use for our impromptu Katips dinners. I cast one last look at my unmade bed and my laptop, dead to the world and free from its sleeve because I was not bringing it to school. I resolved to clean the shit out of my room as soon as I come home some 2 hours later.

10:10 AM
-Arrived at class and the first thing I did was text Justine because it's her birthday today. Tried very hard to listen to Sir, him of the bumbling voice and "divaydibay". Lost concentration at the 40th minute. To be fair, I resolved to study over the weekend. That was already the third resolution of the day.

11:00 AM
-Got my exam. Did not do well. Oh well papel. Thought of going up to the lab. Quickly pushed the thought away.

11:15 AM
-Early dismissal. Bumped into some ERG kids and made pilit jokes. Caught up with Gab, one my very few "different" friends. Kelsey caught up with us. I wasn't into talking to any of the people I'm with, although I felt sorry for having to leave Adrian alone for lunch. Apparently, Niera has gastritis so no lunch mate for him. That's semi-sorta-kinda sad. But you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself.

12:00 PM
-Got home and fixed lunch for myself. Got on 9gag after sooo long. Wasted about 45 minutes there. Went down at around 1 to eat lunch. Watched Tree With Deep Roots Episode 19. The political discourse here is amazing. I'm so sad that Prince Gwangpyung had to die. Seo Jun Young, man you are sexy!

2:00 PM
-Went back up after cleaning the dishes. Tidied around the bed area. Sat for around 15 minutes, doing nothing and just thinking. Fell fast asleep before I knew it.

5:00 PM-ish
-Woke up to the tell-tale sound of my phone vibrating. Six new messages. I felt so missed.
-One text was from Inah, greeting me a happy birthday. Probably because I said something like "Magkasunod nga pala ang birthday natin." to her yesterday after the game. I guess she took it literally. Haha. She said she remembered that we celebrated our debuts on the same weekend three years ago (which is true) so she assumed I was born on the 7th. She was so confused. But at least I know Inah cares. I've always thought she kinda hates me because I'm an obnoxious fat ass. In return, I set up our volleyball team to wear purple for her birthday tomorrow. I'll send her a picture of us. :)
-One text was from Mia, asking me where we were as we were supposed to have a meeting with the VISSER Env Sci people. I told her I was not in UP anymore. Turns out, "we" meant "my other thesis groupmates." Well, I'm sorry, I don't know where they are and I don't really care at this moment. Thank you very much.
-Ria also texted. She asked me if I was at WCEL. Without thinking, I replied that I was at the dorm. She asked if she could come by and I told her not to because I was fixing things. It felt bad to lie to her but I really don't want to see anyone today because that's the point of Me Day.
-Other texts include messages from Dawn and Tin. I don't really remember what they were about. :|

5:20 PM
-Finished cleaning up for real. Began preparing spicy chicken yakisoba. While waiting for my yakisoba to cook, I got out and ran some errands. I withdrew money and grabbed some Tiramisu Milk Tea because I need to liquidate my Php 500 bill. Came back to my spicy chicken yakisoba and gobbled it up while finishing the TWDR episode.

7:00 PM-ish
-Went back down to prepare rice. It was eerily quiet downstairs. Seems like I was the only one home. Went back up after. Looked up torrents for Lee So Yeon's movie, "Untold Scandal" which was Les Liaisons Dangereuses set in Joseon Korea. Here's to hoping it would be better than the last Joseon-set movie I watched. @___@

8:30 PM
-Went back down for dinner and a chat with the housemates. Mom also called at around 9:30.

9:55 PM
-Came back up for the final stretch of the night. Text messages came from MJ, Gelo and Lomi asking for a resked of our game tomorrow. So much for the "No social responsibility or outside contact" clause of Me Day. It's so frustrating, this rescheduling shit. And it's all because of one team. I fought so hard to not say sharp words about it because their captain hates me enough already (the feelings are mutual) and I feel sorry for Lomi who has been battered enough.  Anyway, we went back and forth and I figured it was a low-risk game for us so I went, "Why the hell not?" and agreed to the resked. My final shot came as a playful suggestion of putting a quota on the request for reskeds. Because really, guys, I know how really complicated the situation is and I know you work hard and try your best but you should really know that I am annoyed. There is no other reason. I just want to let you know how annoyed I am.

11:00 PM-ish
-Talks on the resked ended around this time. I regret that I was not able to watch a second episode of TWDR. I checked facebook and saw that he has been posting. So much for "Wala kaming net sa bahay." I wished he'd missed me. I just remembered that they should have played a game today and that I promised him I'd watch. Oh well, not that he would lack for an audience. But then their game might have been rescheduled today so whatever. Like I really really cared so so much anyway. (yup that's two really's and 2 so's)

-The whole point of shutting everyone out today was to go back to me. I have been feeling so much ~feelings~ lately because of the people around me that I sometimes forget that I don't have to live and be with them all the time. I can pull away, be happy in my tiny little bubble, out of their reach, out of their mind and out of their spite. Being alone today, everything seems so far away. It's a sort of mini-vacation.  It was really cathartic for me to drop everything. Drop feelings, drop them and all their bullshit. It's just me. What matters today is only me. What I do, what I want, is all that will happen. And once again, I feel like I'm in control of my life. That I'm not just swaying to the music of manipulations and responsibilities. I'm the captain of my ship again and  'tis a great feeling 'yo. :)

1. Believing everyone is taking her for granted.
- For one, you're the only person who has the power to influence people on how they treat you. You're not being taken for granted. You're a martyr. You let it happen. You're always the one catching the fall. You're feeling bad because you let him run away, possibly to be with her, while you're left out in the cold with everybody and their mother's burden. He offered to do it. You should have let him. But no, you're too proud and bitter to be ingratiated to him. So you swallow it all, throw paltry barbs and walk home alone. You trained him to be like this. Stop feeling like you're the victim. It will not work.

2. Forcing herself on people who are possibly disgusted by her.
- He never liked you. He's maybe nice to you but you're pushing it too far. Let go. It will not happen. You heard him. You're not friends. So stop, walk away and stay behind your goddamn fence.

3. Being too hard on herself.
- No one will die if you didn't get the spike in. The world will not stop if you make a mistake. He will not stop loving you if you've done something wrong because he never loved you in the first place. Relax. Everything is fine. There is nothing you can do to impress the people who would never be impressed by you. You're human. Live with it. Good days and bad days. It all happens.

4. Believing that she is unlovable.
- It's hard to believe that somebody will love you despite your obvious character flaws but it is true. Against all logic, there are people who still care for you even if you act like a complete idiot at times. Most of the time however, these people do not include the one you care so much for.

5. Being completely bitter without any right.
- Yes, it is a free world but being bitter is a right. Bitterness is for those who fought through gritted teeth but lost anyway. You do not have any right to be bitter at something you did not fight for. You never fought for him, you never had him. It is not his fault he loves her. It is not her fault that she is loved by him. You have no right to hate them bitterly. He doesnt deserve your bitter act. If anything. be bitter at love because everyday you wake up, you fight for love, you fight to be somebody to be loved.

*This post was written way back in July. I lost the emotion to finish it but it still holds true, whatever I've written. -redge

"Anong year nyo na po?"
"Fifth year."
"Wow. Nakasurvive po kayo!"

Survive? What did I survive? Electric Circuit Theory? Design Problems? My very first 5.0? EEE Life in general? Freshmen are laughable when they think they know everything. There are people in EEEI who seem to enjoy driving freshmen to death by fear of failing out of EEE.

When I was a freshman, one of our blockhandlers told us that you know you're getting old when the course number of the subjects you're taking have 3 digits already. An orgmate recently declared that once you pass EEE 41, you're already an elder statesman in EEE. By all means, I know I'm old. I don't deny it. But it gives me comfort that I am not the oldest one. *snigger*

We, you and I, we're old. You don't seem to mind. Maybe it's because once you pass your fifth year, you stop counting the years. Haha, sorry to give away your age. But hey, look at us, hanging out back, sticking to the walls, watching those "kids" do their stuff. They'll always be kids to us, won't they? Just like how we'll always be "orgmates" right? Haha. Of course. HA HA. But this ain't so bad. We did well when we were like them. Especially you. You were an outright protege. I preferred to be low-key until recently. Our time has passed. I'm still coming to terms with that but hey, we still have our final hooray. Or do we? Is it OUR final curtain call? Ours as in, yours and mine, together? Is it? I don't feel it, well, I don't feel you anyway.

You've always been an imposing figure to the younger ones, including me. But I've been coming into my own, growing into place. I've always wanted to earn my place among the elder statesmen, my spot with the veterans, with the useful people who made their mark. This may be it, my final place. I had only achieved so much. I don't know if I'd done enough to earn your respect, you never seemed to acknowledge me anyway, but I find solace in the fact that I'd spent the better of my years being productive. There is nothing I regret, except the fact that I never gained your trust. If anything else, I've earned the right to be "old" with you together. I'll find a way to be happy with that. :)

Don't get me wrong. I trust you fully. My trust in you is only exceeded by the trust I have in myself. But I must warn you that I leave my phone around all the time. Your job is to fight the urge to push that unlock button and flip through my phone and stop others from doing so.

I hope you understand. I have pictures of you on my phone. I still have that group picture on the grass two years ago. I took pictures of you last week. I mean, I took pictures of everyone last week but you're the only one with the solo shots. In fairness, you can't fit in the frame with them so you had to go solo. I also downloaded to my phone some of our nicer pics together. Just so I can look at them when I feel sad...

and most importantly...

My lock screen features a picture of us together.

So please, for the love of your girlfriend don't push that unlock button under any circumstance.

Don't go rifling into my inbox too. You'll see the sweet text messages between me and my girl friends. You might think of me as a lesbian. Or confirm that to you. I'm as straight as a ruler by the way, just so you know. You might also come across our conversations where I detail our moments together and how I refer to these times as "dates." Embarrassing stuff, really. So whatever you do, keep away from my phone. Unless you want to spend one awkward semester with me. But I'm probably the one who couldn't stand that so I might just end up killing myself. So there, your options.

While we're at it, I trust you not to touch my logged in Facebook account. I know I get careless sometimes and leave my account logged in on your laptop. Kindly just click the log out button for me. I will love you more if you do. Don't go sniffing about my message inbox because I post our cute pictures in messages to my friends. I confess to my lack of guilt about wanting you. And there's also that other guy I talk about with them. You might get the shock of your life if you knew who that was. So for your sanity, please do what I say.

Finally, don't go rummaging in my downloads folder. PLEASE. PLEASE. There's an entire folder of stolen pics that I haven't had the time to hide. Most of them, pictures of guys, including you. But in fairness to me, I just download pictures that I'm in as well. I'm not yet that creepy stalker type. I have more self-respect and pride than you think. But still, our "couple shots" are there. It's too glaring to not notice.

Know that I'm saying this for you too. We need to work together without a hitch in the coming months. We don't need unnecessary stuff (ie my feelings for you) to come between us. It just cheers me up to have reminders of having somebody like you. Somebody who just makes me feel good about myself, someone who I trust, someone who is so easy and light to talk to. That's just you. That's the best thing about you.

It hit me in the midst of indecisiveness, unkempt thesis notes and uncapped pens.

I am done with cold, hard, passive men.

I am done with men of few words. I am over men who are as cool (or as cold, depending on the context) as ice inside and outside. I have suffered enough of men who refuse to take control, of men I can bull over. I am tired of men who are not man enough to make decisions for themselves. Meaning, I am done with nearly all the men I have ever loved in my life. :x

I have always been a sucker for silent, brooding, mysterious men. I fancy them going all out of their shell for me. I longed to stir the passion in some quiet guy. Hey, it happened in the movies and to people I know! But again, they're the exception and I'm the rule. It doesn't mean that I'm going for noisy loud guys now. Some are noisy but hollow and some that are quiet are not what they seem. The point is, some guys just don't have fire in them. They're all water, going with the flow, conforming to the norm - silent waters running deep.

I've always been the fiery, feisty type typical to people who like the color red. If I was not a brunette, I guess I would be a redhead; strawberry blonde, kissed by fire. I admit I don't have much of the fierce redhead temper but I burn when I feel passionate about something, when I'm in control of things and they turn out the way I want them to. That's right, Katy Perry, I'm a firework.

You know that bit about how opposites truly attract? There are some documented cases of  it happening to people but it's only forever true for magnets, electrons, holes and EEE 23. I thought attraction, relationships and finding "The One" were like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces interlocking flawlessly. But I guess it should be more like a painting, blending the paint and applying it to the canvas to make a masterpiece. It's more about melding together than completing each other.

I've always thought that I'd hit it off with cold men, that my warmth would be enough for the both of us. But I'm not as convinced now. Maybe it should be that my warmth should ignite his passions. After all, two fires are warmer than one. Come on, for Christ's sake. Argue with me (reasonably), take over, show me who's boss, tell me what to do, push for your idea. subdue me, dominate me. Really. You have to be man enough to do that to me. I have to respect you enough. To have a power over me, I have to allow you. And I realize, it takes balls bro, and personality and reason and smarts and fire. :D