The Ends of Being and Ideal Grace

Let this day be a day where I will do what I want to do just because I can. So fuck you all and goodbye. At least for today.

February 7, 2013

8:45 AM
-Woke up. Realized that I have 45 minutes left to prepare for my 10 AM class. Resolved to get up at 8:50.

8:55 AM
-Finally got out of bed. There is no turning back.

9:40 AM
-Grabbed my phone, wallet and keys and stuffed them into my tiny bag, the one I use for our impromptu Katips dinners. I cast one last look at my unmade bed and my laptop, dead to the world and free from its sleeve because I was not bringing it to school. I resolved to clean the shit out of my room as soon as I come home some 2 hours later.

10:10 AM
-Arrived at class and the first thing I did was text Justine because it's her birthday today. Tried very hard to listen to Sir, him of the bumbling voice and "divaydibay". Lost concentration at the 40th minute. To be fair, I resolved to study over the weekend. That was already the third resolution of the day.

11:00 AM
-Got my exam. Did not do well. Oh well papel. Thought of going up to the lab. Quickly pushed the thought away.

11:15 AM
-Early dismissal. Bumped into some ERG kids and made pilit jokes. Caught up with Gab, one my very few "different" friends. Kelsey caught up with us. I wasn't into talking to any of the people I'm with, although I felt sorry for having to leave Adrian alone for lunch. Apparently, Niera has gastritis so no lunch mate for him. That's semi-sorta-kinda sad. But you gotta do what you gotta do for yourself.

12:00 PM
-Got home and fixed lunch for myself. Got on 9gag after sooo long. Wasted about 45 minutes there. Went down at around 1 to eat lunch. Watched Tree With Deep Roots Episode 19. The political discourse here is amazing. I'm so sad that Prince Gwangpyung had to die. Seo Jun Young, man you are sexy!

2:00 PM
-Went back up after cleaning the dishes. Tidied around the bed area. Sat for around 15 minutes, doing nothing and just thinking. Fell fast asleep before I knew it.

5:00 PM-ish
-Woke up to the tell-tale sound of my phone vibrating. Six new messages. I felt so missed.
-One text was from Inah, greeting me a happy birthday. Probably because I said something like "Magkasunod nga pala ang birthday natin." to her yesterday after the game. I guess she took it literally. Haha. She said she remembered that we celebrated our debuts on the same weekend three years ago (which is true) so she assumed I was born on the 7th. She was so confused. But at least I know Inah cares. I've always thought she kinda hates me because I'm an obnoxious fat ass. In return, I set up our volleyball team to wear purple for her birthday tomorrow. I'll send her a picture of us. :)
-One text was from Mia, asking me where we were as we were supposed to have a meeting with the VISSER Env Sci people. I told her I was not in UP anymore. Turns out, "we" meant "my other thesis groupmates." Well, I'm sorry, I don't know where they are and I don't really care at this moment. Thank you very much.
-Ria also texted. She asked me if I was at WCEL. Without thinking, I replied that I was at the dorm. She asked if she could come by and I told her not to because I was fixing things. It felt bad to lie to her but I really don't want to see anyone today because that's the point of Me Day.
-Other texts include messages from Dawn and Tin. I don't really remember what they were about. :|

5:20 PM
-Finished cleaning up for real. Began preparing spicy chicken yakisoba. While waiting for my yakisoba to cook, I got out and ran some errands. I withdrew money and grabbed some Tiramisu Milk Tea because I need to liquidate my Php 500 bill. Came back to my spicy chicken yakisoba and gobbled it up while finishing the TWDR episode.

7:00 PM-ish
-Went back down to prepare rice. It was eerily quiet downstairs. Seems like I was the only one home. Went back up after. Looked up torrents for Lee So Yeon's movie, "Untold Scandal" which was Les Liaisons Dangereuses set in Joseon Korea. Here's to hoping it would be better than the last Joseon-set movie I watched. @___@

8:30 PM
-Went back down for dinner and a chat with the housemates. Mom also called at around 9:30.

9:55 PM
-Came back up for the final stretch of the night. Text messages came from MJ, Gelo and Lomi asking for a resked of our game tomorrow. So much for the "No social responsibility or outside contact" clause of Me Day. It's so frustrating, this rescheduling shit. And it's all because of one team. I fought so hard to not say sharp words about it because their captain hates me enough already (the feelings are mutual) and I feel sorry for Lomi who has been battered enough.  Anyway, we went back and forth and I figured it was a low-risk game for us so I went, "Why the hell not?" and agreed to the resked. My final shot came as a playful suggestion of putting a quota on the request for reskeds. Because really, guys, I know how really complicated the situation is and I know you work hard and try your best but you should really know that I am annoyed. There is no other reason. I just want to let you know how annoyed I am.

11:00 PM-ish
-Talks on the resked ended around this time. I regret that I was not able to watch a second episode of TWDR. I checked facebook and saw that he has been posting. So much for "Wala kaming net sa bahay." I wished he'd missed me. I just remembered that they should have played a game today and that I promised him I'd watch. Oh well, not that he would lack for an audience. But then their game might have been rescheduled today so whatever. Like I really really cared so so much anyway. (yup that's two really's and 2 so's)

-The whole point of shutting everyone out today was to go back to me. I have been feeling so much ~feelings~ lately because of the people around me that I sometimes forget that I don't have to live and be with them all the time. I can pull away, be happy in my tiny little bubble, out of their reach, out of their mind and out of their spite. Being alone today, everything seems so far away. It's a sort of mini-vacation.  It was really cathartic for me to drop everything. Drop feelings, drop them and all their bullshit. It's just me. What matters today is only me. What I do, what I want, is all that will happen. And once again, I feel like I'm in control of my life. That I'm not just swaying to the music of manipulations and responsibilities. I'm the captain of my ship again and  'tis a great feeling 'yo. :)

1. Believing everyone is taking her for granted.
- For one, you're the only person who has the power to influence people on how they treat you. You're not being taken for granted. You're a martyr. You let it happen. You're always the one catching the fall. You're feeling bad because you let him run away, possibly to be with her, while you're left out in the cold with everybody and their mother's burden. He offered to do it. You should have let him. But no, you're too proud and bitter to be ingratiated to him. So you swallow it all, throw paltry barbs and walk home alone. You trained him to be like this. Stop feeling like you're the victim. It will not work.

2. Forcing herself on people who are possibly disgusted by her.
- He never liked you. He's maybe nice to you but you're pushing it too far. Let go. It will not happen. You heard him. You're not friends. So stop, walk away and stay behind your goddamn fence.

3. Being too hard on herself.
- No one will die if you didn't get the spike in. The world will not stop if you make a mistake. He will not stop loving you if you've done something wrong because he never loved you in the first place. Relax. Everything is fine. There is nothing you can do to impress the people who would never be impressed by you. You're human. Live with it. Good days and bad days. It all happens.

4. Believing that she is unlovable.
- It's hard to believe that somebody will love you despite your obvious character flaws but it is true. Against all logic, there are people who still care for you even if you act like a complete idiot at times. Most of the time however, these people do not include the one you care so much for.

5. Being completely bitter without any right.
- Yes, it is a free world but being bitter is a right. Bitterness is for those who fought through gritted teeth but lost anyway. You do not have any right to be bitter at something you did not fight for. You never fought for him, you never had him. It is not his fault he loves her. It is not her fault that she is loved by him. You have no right to hate them bitterly. He doesnt deserve your bitter act. If anything. be bitter at love because everyday you wake up, you fight for love, you fight to be somebody to be loved.

*This post was written way back in July. I lost the emotion to finish it but it still holds true, whatever I've written. -redge

"Anong year nyo na po?"
"Fifth year."
"Wow. Nakasurvive po kayo!"

Survive? What did I survive? Electric Circuit Theory? Design Problems? My very first 5.0? EEE Life in general? Freshmen are laughable when they think they know everything. There are people in EEEI who seem to enjoy driving freshmen to death by fear of failing out of EEE.

When I was a freshman, one of our blockhandlers told us that you know you're getting old when the course number of the subjects you're taking have 3 digits already. An orgmate recently declared that once you pass EEE 41, you're already an elder statesman in EEE. By all means, I know I'm old. I don't deny it. But it gives me comfort that I am not the oldest one. *snigger*

We, you and I, we're old. You don't seem to mind. Maybe it's because once you pass your fifth year, you stop counting the years. Haha, sorry to give away your age. But hey, look at us, hanging out back, sticking to the walls, watching those "kids" do their stuff. They'll always be kids to us, won't they? Just like how we'll always be "orgmates" right? Haha. Of course. HA HA. But this ain't so bad. We did well when we were like them. Especially you. You were an outright protege. I preferred to be low-key until recently. Our time has passed. I'm still coming to terms with that but hey, we still have our final hooray. Or do we? Is it OUR final curtain call? Ours as in, yours and mine, together? Is it? I don't feel it, well, I don't feel you anyway.

You've always been an imposing figure to the younger ones, including me. But I've been coming into my own, growing into place. I've always wanted to earn my place among the elder statesmen, my spot with the veterans, with the useful people who made their mark. This may be it, my final place. I had only achieved so much. I don't know if I'd done enough to earn your respect, you never seemed to acknowledge me anyway, but I find solace in the fact that I'd spent the better of my years being productive. There is nothing I regret, except the fact that I never gained your trust. If anything else, I've earned the right to be "old" with you together. I'll find a way to be happy with that. :)

Don't get me wrong. I trust you fully. My trust in you is only exceeded by the trust I have in myself. But I must warn you that I leave my phone around all the time. Your job is to fight the urge to push that unlock button and flip through my phone and stop others from doing so.

I hope you understand. I have pictures of you on my phone. I still have that group picture on the grass two years ago. I took pictures of you last week. I mean, I took pictures of everyone last week but you're the only one with the solo shots. In fairness, you can't fit in the frame with them so you had to go solo. I also downloaded to my phone some of our nicer pics together. Just so I can look at them when I feel sad...

and most importantly...

My lock screen features a picture of us together.

So please, for the love of your girlfriend don't push that unlock button under any circumstance.

Don't go rifling into my inbox too. You'll see the sweet text messages between me and my girl friends. You might think of me as a lesbian. Or confirm that to you. I'm as straight as a ruler by the way, just so you know. You might also come across our conversations where I detail our moments together and how I refer to these times as "dates." Embarrassing stuff, really. So whatever you do, keep away from my phone. Unless you want to spend one awkward semester with me. But I'm probably the one who couldn't stand that so I might just end up killing myself. So there, your options.

While we're at it, I trust you not to touch my logged in Facebook account. I know I get careless sometimes and leave my account logged in on your laptop. Kindly just click the log out button for me. I will love you more if you do. Don't go sniffing about my message inbox because I post our cute pictures in messages to my friends. I confess to my lack of guilt about wanting you. And there's also that other guy I talk about with them. You might get the shock of your life if you knew who that was. So for your sanity, please do what I say.

Finally, don't go rummaging in my downloads folder. PLEASE. PLEASE. There's an entire folder of stolen pics that I haven't had the time to hide. Most of them, pictures of guys, including you. But in fairness to me, I just download pictures that I'm in as well. I'm not yet that creepy stalker type. I have more self-respect and pride than you think. But still, our "couple shots" are there. It's too glaring to not notice.

Know that I'm saying this for you too. We need to work together without a hitch in the coming months. We don't need unnecessary stuff (ie my feelings for you) to come between us. It just cheers me up to have reminders of having somebody like you. Somebody who just makes me feel good about myself, someone who I trust, someone who is so easy and light to talk to. That's just you. That's the best thing about you.

It hit me in the midst of indecisiveness, unkempt thesis notes and uncapped pens.

I am done with cold, hard, passive men.

I am done with men of few words. I am over men who are as cool (or as cold, depending on the context) as ice inside and outside. I have suffered enough of men who refuse to take control, of men I can bull over. I am tired of men who are not man enough to make decisions for themselves. Meaning, I am done with nearly all the men I have ever loved in my life. :x

I have always been a sucker for silent, brooding, mysterious men. I fancy them going all out of their shell for me. I longed to stir the passion in some quiet guy. Hey, it happened in the movies and to people I know! But again, they're the exception and I'm the rule. It doesn't mean that I'm going for noisy loud guys now. Some are noisy but hollow and some that are quiet are not what they seem. The point is, some guys just don't have fire in them. They're all water, going with the flow, conforming to the norm - silent waters running deep.

I've always been the fiery, feisty type typical to people who like the color red. If I was not a brunette, I guess I would be a redhead; strawberry blonde, kissed by fire. I admit I don't have much of the fierce redhead temper but I burn when I feel passionate about something, when I'm in control of things and they turn out the way I want them to. That's right, Katy Perry, I'm a firework.

You know that bit about how opposites truly attract? There are some documented cases of  it happening to people but it's only forever true for magnets, electrons, holes and EEE 23. I thought attraction, relationships and finding "The One" were like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces interlocking flawlessly. But I guess it should be more like a painting, blending the paint and applying it to the canvas to make a masterpiece. It's more about melding together than completing each other.

I've always thought that I'd hit it off with cold men, that my warmth would be enough for the both of us. But I'm not as convinced now. Maybe it should be that my warmth should ignite his passions. After all, two fires are warmer than one. Come on, for Christ's sake. Argue with me (reasonably), take over, show me who's boss, tell me what to do, push for your idea. subdue me, dominate me. Really. You have to be man enough to do that to me. I have to respect you enough. To have a power over me, I have to allow you. And I realize, it takes balls bro, and personality and reason and smarts and fire. :D

"Hello! Kamusta ka na, bitchesa?"
"Hello! Anong class mo?"
"Hello! Aurellano Residence, sino po sila?"

Do you ever ask yourself why you say hello to people? I never did. It's a normal knee-jerk reaction to seeing people I know and getting their attention. Is it not the same for all people? Do you guys think of why you're saying hello to the person who's calling you on the phone? You'd undoubtedly shout and wave your arms about when you see a long time friend but you would have qualms about making eye contact and saying hi to a classmate in a forgettable GE course. Usually, when we approach people or when people approach us, we'd rather ask ourselves if we have the right to greet them. Whether or not we're on "saying hello" terms already. I guess this "right" is like a synthesis of all the reasons we have to say hello. We're just thinking on that higher level. But go down with me, why say hello to people? What makes you decide that it's okay to say hi?

I usually don't have much issues with people who feel close to me even if I barely remember their names. I like the attention and the connection, even if it never really lasts. I go with the flow and assume it's okay to feel close to them too. Having said that, I guess you don't have to mean much to me to be on "hello" terms. However, there are times when I just couldn't get myself to say hello to some people. Usually men. Cases in point: A Math 17 and ES 11 classmate that we keep running into but always pretend to not recognize (But it's probably because he looks like a horse. Don't judge us like we judged him), Little Gab from Miss Engg, who I frequently ride on the same jeeps with, my former professors. They're definitely not in my HelloZone. Needless to say, after all the judging, we never really got around to talking to that classmate. A momentary burst of hormonal high saw me take a picture with Gab. Saying hi to professors has been so high school. It's a logical AND moment here. If there's a reason NOT to say hello, the whole equation turns to zero.

Does that mean that the people you don't say hello to basically don't exist in your life? If they don't matter enough to say hello to you, or for you to greet them with a smile or a wave, do you even have to care further? Of course that's a shallow, baseless and inconsiderate thought. It's like throwing away white gold because it's not yellow. But when people you cherish, people you love, people who would always matter in your heart stop recognizing you, go on with their lives without you, the fact that they don't say hello anymore hits you with the impact of an atomic bomb. For sure, we tend to blow things out of proportion when it's about people we love. A thousand probable, reasonable excuses are readily available but we're having none of them. Something's changed, we insist to ourselves. Our friends tell us that we're just losing our marbles and going way overboard with the little things. I've never quite understood why couples fight over things such as a non-existent smiley at the end of a text or a date rescheduled. But I guess, the little things are on to something sometimes.

"Say goodbye when there's no longer a reason to say hello." Don't go ahead and judge the quote superficial. If there's no more reason to say hello, a connection is lost. Maybe he's not who you thought he was or maybe she's not as interested in what you're doing. Maybe he's not seeing that future with you anymore. Maybe she feels you've overstayed your welcome. When there's nothing to say, even hello, know that whatever you have, it's falling apart. If it's pride that's keeping you from bridging the gap, if it's shame or hate or anger, it feels like you've lost your direct line to each other. It doesn't even have to be words. A gentle touch, a moment when your eyes just meet and stare at each other. Little things that keep you holding on, like magic tape on wall cracks. If it's not there, maybe there's nothing anymore.

When it's like he's not even there, when it's like you're the strangest stranger, when he looks at you as if you're peeling wallpaper, when you see him coming and you meet his eyes and they're as cold as ice and all you can do is turn away, when you can sit beside each other for hours and feel like a thousand worlds apart, when you lean your head towards his shoulder and hold it in the air for a moment, pretending to feel something, when you're tired and drained as you wrestle with depression all day, when you feel like there are so many words to say but you do not want to talk or when you feel that you do not even really know him after all this time, there's suddenly no reason to say hello. Then maybe it's time to hit the button, go ahead, close the door and say goodbye.

...we haven't spoken to each other since... March. LOL. That's so you and me ('cause there's no us, motherfucker)

...it feels terrible to be inches from you, faking indifference and hiding the frustration.

...I think this is our last chance of working together. But you're not working. So again, just me and them, not you.

...I still wonder who you were thinking of when I caught you staring at a distance the other day.

...I have forgiven you for leaving our committee. Thank you for taking that step out of my life.

...fuck you, di ka pumasok last Monday.

...fuck you twice, BUDDY KO YAN. If it's him that you need, fine. But I still hate it when he goes "OMG ang bait ni Kuya!" You're so nice to him but no, never to me. Haha. 'Cause that's you and you hate me! Right?

...I have no expectations of the last sem and a half left to us. I used to have illusions of beating the clock but then, the bastard that you are.

...I will not, in any case, go to your place again. So much hopes, so much disappointment.

...ambabaw mo, frame lang yun eh. Agit ka masyado. Super OA max.

...speaking of which, you can shove that AVP up yo hairy ass. I don't need to see myself there.

...still in the topic of AVP's, remember that AVP where we all wore red and you and I stood side by side? Yeah that one where you were in the opening frame? FUCK THAT AVP TO HELL. I don't want to see it ever. Reminds me of the things I do for you.

...oh but I still do it for you. Everything I do. For you.

...I'd rather see you bald (or dead) than see you in your newly dyed hair. It reminds me of my freshie days and your smile and your gay Korean boyband hair and how things between us really just couldn't change after all this time. :)